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Sep 19 2014

Disappointingly Realistic Erotica:
I Wanna Take You to a Gay Bar

0

by Kate M.

lesbian pulp

Pushing aside a stray lock of hair, I leaned in to murmur in my girlfriend’s ear. “Do you like this, my naughty girl? Do you like to watch?”
Turning toward me, so that our lips almost touched, she replied, “I really don’t. This is, like, the male gaze-iest.”
“Thank god!” I laughed, “I hate it too!”
“Why are their nails so long?”
“Dude, why is anything about this?”
“I can’t even with straight porn,” my girlfriend sighed, reaching for the remote.

***

“Bend over, baby, I’m going to pound your ass hard!”
“Can we not do that position? Today was leg day at the gym.”
“Uh…ok, then on your back!”
“Well, I get gassy when you fuck me like that”
“Okay… then suck it hard!”
“I had burritos for dinner and my acid reflux is acting up”
“Hand job?”

***

It was a quiet night at The Girl Cave, and the dance floor was empty. Priscilla leaned against the wall nursing a cold beer, letting the condensation from the bottle collect and drip between her fingers, its wetness reminding her distantly of passionate nights spent with her last love.

“Don’t think about her,” Priscilla reminded herself.

She caught the eye of a cute butch across the room.

“Why not?” thought Priscilla. “I’ll let her buy me a drink, she’ll ask me to dance, I’ll let her take me home, and I’ll forget all about that heartbreaker.”

Across the room, the cute butch was thinking exactly the same thing.

The dance floor stayed empty. For hours, every lesbian in the bar leaned against the wall, nursing a drink and sneaking furtive glances at each other. No one went home with anyone.

The Girl Cave closed down a month later.

***

“So, it’s my first time…” I looked down, suddenly shy now that I’d said it out loud.

“That’s okay, man, I’ll take care of you. So you’re a bottom?”

“Oh yeah, I’ve been fantasizing about getting fucked for years”

By way of reply, the handsome stranger reached into his jeans and pulled out the most enormous cock I could possibly have imagined. I gaped at it, thinking quickly.

“Well, maybe I’m really a top…”

***

I couldn’t look away. Before me, two lithe bodies pressed together, limbs entangled, teeth biting lips.
“God, I hate Jenny.”
“Eh, I hate her less this season. It’s her best haircut.”
“I’m so happy she dies,” my girlfriend sighed, reaching for the box of Franzia.

***

This installment of Disappointingly Realistic Erotica was co-written with Sarah Sloane. Check out previous installments here

Sep 19 2014

Miller, Braunger & More!
Performance Anxiety Sept. 23rd

0

by Kate M.

performance anxiety flyer Sept23

Join us on Tuesday, September 23rd at 8pm for another evening of Performance Anxiety, the twice-monthly comedy night hosted by Eli Olsberg at our West Hollywood store.

For just $7, you get free beer, 15% off your purchases and an evening with some of the best comics working today.

The show will feature appearances by

The show is first come, first served and you are encouraged to buy tickets in advance to guarantee a seat.


Enjoy Matt Braunger on fake vaginas – even if he doesn’t realize that Fleshlights are awesome.

Sep 17 2014

Sexy September in Chicago:
Upcoming Workshops

0

by Kate M.

chastityChastity Play with Sarah Sloane
Wednesday, September 17th @ 8-10pm – FREE!

Curious about this very intimate form of restraint? This class will cover ways to play with chastity with and without specific devices, the health factors of short and long-term chastity play, how to correctly fit a chastity device, troubleshooting issues with them, how to negotiate with a partner or practice solo, and ways to play games and have fun with it.

Ask A Sex Educator Anything
Saturday, September 20th @ 2-5pm – FREE!

Have a question about sexuality that you want to get an expert opinion on? Curious about how to create better orgasms for you or your partner? Want to know what resources there are for you, both in and out of the shop? Never fear! Stop by the shop, and chat with one of our senior sex educators about whatever sex topic you’re curious about. And after you chat, you’ll get a discount coupon to use on your purchase that day!

Tantra: The Art of Conscious Loving with Charles Muir & Leah Alchin
tantra 7Tuesday, September 23 @ 8-10pm – FREE!

Tantra Masters Charles Muir and Leah Alchin will provide you with a fresh approach to sex and sexual love, teaching you how to bring more spirit, intimacy and ecstasy into your love life. You will learn the secret to longer and deeper orgasms and ways to expand pleasure and become orgasmic throughout the entire body.  You will also learn the Art of Touch: how to give and receive with increased awareness and energy transmission.  Additionally, this is an opportunity to learn what to expect at the Tantra weekend seminar in Chicago, Sept. 26-28. All attendees will receive a $25 CD on “Tantra Practices and Principles.”

G-Spot & Female Ejaculation with Louie
Wednesday, September 24th @ 8-10pm – FREE!

Looking for an all-over orgasm? Seeking the ever-elusive female ejaculation? This class will provide you with tips and techniques to expand your orgasm, both with your partner and on your own. For years, the existence of the G-spot has been rejected while some have hailed it as the ultimate pleasure center; come find out what the buzz is about!

Sep 17 2014

Want to Win a Tantus Slow Drive?
Make a Road Trip Mix.

17

by Kate M.

tantus slow drive purple

Update: Congratulations to Michelle & Patricia, who each won a Slow Drive! Keep an eye out for more awesome Tantus giveaways soon! 

We’re giving away a Tantus Slow Drive dildo! 

This little dildo gets straight to the point, with a sharp curve and a rounded tip for hitting the G-spot or the prostate. Non-porous, sterilizeable and harness-compatible, the Tantus Slow Drive makes everything easy.

Want to win a Slow Drive? Here’s how.

In the comments below, tell us one song that you’d put on your road trip soundtrack – a song about driving if you’re a dork like us, or just one that you can picture yourself scream-singing along to out an open window on an empty highway.

We’ll pick a winner at random on Friday, September 19th at noon PDT.

U.S. residents only. 

Sep 16 2014

Gloryhole on the Upper East Side

0

by Kate M.

ny gloryhole banner

Join us on Saturday, September 27th, 8-10pm at our Upper East Side store for a sexy, sleazy celebration of our 43rd anniversary! This East coast edition of our wildly popular Gloryhole party will blend the grit of New York’s old school sex industry and kink scene with the high-end, intimate atmosphere of our flagship store. Here’s what you can expect to see:

Upstairs:

DJ Shomi Noise
Impact and bondage demos by Felice Shays
Bootblack station
Free wine, champagne & refreshments

Downstairs:

Over 40 featured photographs from “Leather Women – A Photographic Documentary”, and other Leather community photos by C. Creane Images
The salacious Gloryhole installation by local artist Jesse Harold, through which voyeuristic guests can spy on live demonstrations:
- Spanking demo by featured guests: New York City girls of Leather (NYCgoL)
- Boylesque by Johnny Panic
- Burlesque/muscle manipulation by Jantina

Get ready for your close up: the one and only Ricardo Nelson will be photographing the event! We look forward to celebrating 43 years with you.

Admission for Gloryhole is free; no reservations required.

Sep 12 2014

Disappointingly Realistic Erotica:
Whips & Chains

1

by Kate M.

bdsm 4

“Quick,” bellowed Lord Sturm, “Make your decision – the cane, or the whip.”
The boy at his feet hesitated for only a moment before responding, “Whatever you wish, Sir.”
“Dammit,” Lord Sturm mumbled to himself, “I was hoping he’d tell me what to do.”

***

“Undress me, Sylvia” she murmured, turning from the huge bay window that overlooked her impressive estate: a rose garden, tennis courts, several swimming pools, and in the distance an expanse of trees. I had heard rumors of what went on in those woods – week-long bacchanals with models flown in from Paris and Rome, hunting parties where the prey was much larger than a fox and the spoils were carnal.

I turned my attention to my hostess. I had been aching to undress her all evening, ever since I spotted her across the fetish gala in a latex catsuit that clung to every perfect inch of her body. Its polished surface seemed to glow in the moonlight.

With trembling hands, I obliged her request, pulling gently at the zipper just below her hairline. The catsuit peeled away from her as I unzipped, exposing her inexpressibly beautiful body to the night air. Underneath it, her skin was clammy and reeked of talcum powder and many hours’ worth of stale sweat.

***

“You have been patient, my sweet, as I have bound you. You have stood immobile, as instructed, as I tied you to this St. Andrew’s Cross, covering your body in intricate and beautiful knots. Now you are mine. You cannot move unless I untie you. You have done well, and you will be rewarded. What can I do to make you faint with pleasure?”

“…I have to pee.”

***

She locked his wrists into massive metal cuffs that were joined to the wall with a heavy ring, and he looked at it nervously, knowing that he could not possibly stop whatever she had planned. He could hear her the click of her stilettos against the polished wood floor behind him, and then the zip of her sizable toy bag being opened. He felt himself begin to pant with terror and longing, when he realized: the ring was not actually bolted onto the wall with anything other than a drywall screw, which he could easily pull out. He thought about saying something, but decided to keep that information back, just in case this play date turned out well.

This installment of Disappointingly Realistic Erotica was co-written with Sarah Sloane