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And the Winners of our Valentine’s Day fail contest are…

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by thepleasurechest

Three formerly unlucky in love Pleasure enthusiasts are getting lucky today with a gift card from us! Plus we received an entry that bummed us out enough to warrant an honorable mention prize. We’ll be sending her a free PC vibe and lube to get her back in the proverbial saddle. Check out the winners’ entries after the cut!

1st Place: Rubber Romance

My boyfriend of about a year and I had just broken up a few weeks before. I was upset at the thought of Valentine’s Day alone and had been kind of dating someone, but never let him get past 1st base because I was still mourning the ex. So, this dude takes me out on Valentine’s Day and is super sweet and all I do is drink and act miserable and play Skid Row’s “I Remember You” on the jukebox. On the way home, all I could think of is how nice this guys is and how I feel like I owe him something. Long story short, the condom got stuck up there … until the next day. I couldn’t get it out, sooooooo he came over and had to do it for me. Honestly, haven’t seen him since, so I guess the feeling was mutual.

2nd Place: This Bed is on Fire with Passion and… No, it’s REALLY ON FIRE!

About 10 years ago when I was living in Portland, OR, my boyfriend and I had planned to stay in for a romantic Valentine’s Day.  We weren’t living together, so he invited me over to his house.  When I arrived, he took me up to his dimly lit bedroom where he had actually made his bed (!!!) and placed candles all around to set the mood.  We immediately stripped down and things started to get hot and heavy.  He started to go down on me and about 10 seconds in we started to smell something very odd.  I looked behind him and realized that when he went down on me, he pushed the pillow close to one of the candles and it had caught on fire.  I yelled “oh shit” and he turned around and immediately began trying to beat the flame out of the pillow.  The flame got bigger before it got smaller and by the time the flame was out, so was my interest in sex.  We ended up ordering in and watching movies.

3rd Place: Walk on the Wild Side (of Shame)

I had a date with a new guy hot off a bad break up. We went out to dinner then to drinks. To be honest, the date went pretty well. The guy was full of himself and kind of a jerk, but I was on the rebound and was just looking for a nice night. After dinner and many drinks, we went back to his house. A night of lackluster sex ensued, and I soon passed out. I woke up to him hustling me out the door, “my parents are coming to visit today,” he’s telling me, “you have to go”. I was not prepared to be on a sleep over and didn’t have anything to change into to wear back to my apt. This was college and everyone lived in about a 4 block radius around campus. I had worn a very saucy zebra print top and leather pants on this date. Animal prints were hot that season and I had looked pretty hot the night prior, unfortunately the outfit did not translate as daytime 9:00am garb. I was forced to leave this guy’s apartment wearing this getup–he wouldn’t even offer me an old shirt to wear! Sneaking around the bushes trying to make way back to my apt without being spotted made for the greatest walk of shame ever…to add much insult to injury, the person who spotted me first? The ex, out for a morning run around campus. Worst. Valentine’s. Ever!

Honorable Mention: Um, This One Just Gave Us the Sads :(

Valentines Day 2006, I had bought my BF candy, a card, a teddy bear, balloons, the makings of a great dinner, and something special for me to wear to bed to turn him on. Well, he shows up and says that he forgot it was Valentines Day and had made plans to go to his brothers to play video games. So he opens the card, gives a quick kiss good bye and leaves me alone. On Valentines Day. I have never cried so hard. I found out later, by calling his brother, that he never came by nor had he planned to. He went to see one of his other women. He came back later that night, I had eaten dinner alone and I slept in the nightie alone on the couch and ate all of the fucking chocolate. We broke up about a month later, when he dumped me for the ugly ass toad he went to see that night. 4 years later, I am still heartbroken and alone. My Vibrator is my BF. I have been married and dated 2 losers for a total of 25 years and not once, not one fucking time did one of those bastards get me a card. I have never been anyone’s Valentine.

Well, there you have it folks. I’ll be notifying the winners via email by the end of this afternoon. Look out for more contests and prizes coming soon!

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