800.753.4536
Discreet Shipping

The Pleasure Chest is the oldest and most trusted sexuality boutique in the country, and we understand the importance of discretion. We ship every order in a plain brown box, with PC LTD on the return address. PC LTD (not The Pleasure Chest) will appear on your credit card statement.

Your purchases
are protected by

FREE SHIPPING on Orders Over $75*USPS Shipping in the Contiguous U.S.

Categories

Fifty Shades Darker Review or WTF Did I Just Watch?

0

by Chelsea

There comes a time in every sex educator’s life when they must face the inescapable behemoth that is the Fifty Shades of  Grey franchise. The series is something of a double-edged sword among industry folks: on the one hand, Fifty Shades has exposed middle America to the world of BDSM. On the other hand, it demonstrates a relationship based on abuse and coercion without any discussion or acknowledgment of boundaries, consent, safe words, etc. Oh, and it’s also terribly written. It’s Twilight fan fiction with all the names changed. That’s not an insult; that is literally the origins of this series.

With all this in mind, my boss sent me to see the film and report back. I assumed it was because I had done something wrong and this was her way of punishing me (jury’s still out), but she assured me that was not the case. Either way, I’m contacting HR (just kidding Sarah!).

No more plot!

No more secrets! No more rules! No more dignity after watching this!

Fifty Shades Darker picks up where the first film left off: paper napkin of a woman Anastasia Steele has just dumped her abusive billionaire boyfriend/Dom Christian Grey and is now sulking around Seattle. Christian keeps sending her flowers, following her around, and showing up uninvited at her friend’s art show where he buys six enormous wall-sized photos of her. You know, normal stuff that folks with boundaries do. He convinces her to have dinner with him, and they share a sullen meal together. Ana agrees to get back together with Christian, provided they “act normal” this time and he quits with his rules and punishments.

THIS is where kinky folks start to lose their minds. Despite being upfront about his sexual needs and desires, Ana writes off his kinks as a character defect. There must be something wrong with Mr. Grey if he gets off on hitting these poor women. Never mind that this is all consensual (to the point of having all his subs sign a contract detailing their boundaries) and agreed to. Despite Ana thoroughly yucking his yum, Christian ignores her kink shaming and agrees that they’ll do normal couple things and they reunite.

So no whipping, no flogging, and anal every other Tuesday? I'm in!

So no whipping, no flogging, and anal only on the Solstice? I’m in!

Whelp, can you blame him? Their chemistry is undeniable. JK, they don’t have any chemistry. I’ve been more turned on watching two popsicle sticks rub together. The film then glides from one set piece to the next, with some halfhearted attempts at suspense (a stalking sub!) and drama (helicopter crash!). But let’s get into what we’re really here to talk about: the sex scenes. Fifty Shades Darker knows their audience is only there for the artful banging, and it delivers several sex scenes of Ana and Christian getting it on. I will say this: I thought the sex scenes in this one were better than the ones in the first film. Maybe it’s because the actors seemed more comfortable with each other, or maybe it’s because I’ve blocked out the entire first film. Who’s to say?

One of the first sex scenes features Christian presenting a set of silver kegel balls to Ana. He slips them inside her, just before they leave to go to his parents’ masquerade ball. It’s a sophisticated affair that is also whiter than a James Taylor concert. With the exception of some minor roles, this movie really is Fifty Shades of White People.

WHOOPS MOMENT: The Ben-Wa balls that Christina puts inside Ana are connected by a nylon ring. You’re a billionaire dude, spring for silicone so your girlfriend doesn’t get a yeast infection!

Not filmed: the scene where Ana sneezes and the kegel balls shoot out of her and into the caviar buffet.

Not filmed: the scene where Ana sneezes and the kegel balls shoot out of her and into the caviar buffet.

Ana is so aroused that she drags Christian to his childhood bedroom, where she demands that he spank her and then fuck her doggy style. Getting spanked while wearing an internal toy is definitely a good time, but I was too distracted by the fact that Christian Grey has a poster for the Chronicles of Riddick on the wall. What a nerd.

At the party, Ana meets Elena Lincoln, a friend of Christian’s mother and the woman who introduced him to BDSM when he was still in high school (gross). They verbally spar, with Elena telling Ana that she can’t possibly be enough for Christian. We’re supposed to feel bad for Ana, but I honestly just felt bad for Kim Basinger having to be in this movie.

Finally, a use for my old shower curtain rod!

Finally, a use for my old shower curtain rod!

Christian and Ana continue to artfully bone throughout the movie: there is light hand spanking, lots of cunnilingus, and plenty of them fucking in the missionary position. How ribald! In a later sex scene, Christian busts out a spreader bar. Once he’s strapped Ana in, he grabs the bar and flips her onto her stomach like he’s flipping a pancake.

WHOOPS MOMENT: Dude, that flip though. Don’t try this at home, kids! It looks pretty painful on the knee and hip joints.

In another erotic set piece, Christian takes Ana out to dinner and makes her take off her panties at the table. He then pockets them, and they get into a crowded elevator, where he fingers her along to the boring elevator muzak. I liked this scene actually, because it was played for humor and not taken so seriously.

fifty-shades-darker-elevator-1481131638

Now Anastasia can only come to instrumental soft jazz.

Finally, the movie reaches its (hehe) climax. Ana makes out with Christian in the shower and joins him in the Red Room of Pain, ready to indulge his kinky side. He blindfolds her, and massages oil all over her breasts. Then, they fuck in the missionary position. AND THAT’S IT. Oh, and we find out that Christian’s kink is beating women who look like his dead crack addicted mother. No red flags there! JK, everyone in this movie needs therapy and a BDSM primer course.

WHOOPS MOMENT: This entire movie.

 

tumblr_olffpx2jfJ1t00tavo1_540

tumblr_olffpx2jfJ1t00tavo2_540

tumblr_olffpx2jfJ1t00tavo3_540

0

No comments so far

Leave a Comment