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Nov 01 2014

Disappointingly Realistic Erotica:
Role Play Rendezvous

0

by Kate M.

bert macklin fbi

Twirling his mustache – but not too hard, in case the spirit gum holding it in place gave out – Alan whirled on his boyfriend. He knew that he made an intimidating picture: the jacket he’d bought at the army surplus store was freshly pressed and fit him like a glove, showing off his broad, muscled chest.

“Tell me,” he rumbled, “Where you have hidden the microfilm.”

He glanced down at Isaac. He had tied the smaller man to a kitchen chair, deftly restraining each of his lanky limbs.

“Okay!” Isaac chirped.

Alan hesitated for a moment and then recovered.

“You seem to think that this will go easy for you,” he continued. “but unless you tell me where to find the microfilm, I will torture you, starting with this terrifying device!”

He brandished his Violet Wand menacingly, flicking it on so that Isaac could see the electricity running through it in the dim light. Sweet, submissive-to-the-core Isaac smiled up at him.

“I’ll tell you anything you want to know,” he insisted, beaming. “I just want to make you happy.”

***

“You said you were from Italy.”

“But I am, my beauteeful laydee!”

“You sound French.”

“Non. I am Eetalian!”

“You sound like Pepe le Pew.”

***

Yes, her gorgeous, creative partner had screen printed a t-shirt with the logo of a local pizzeria, had rung the doorbell, had stammered as though dumbstruck by Kim’s beauty when she had opened the door. Rhonda had been paying attention all those weeks ago, when Kim confided in her that she still fantasized about the goofy pizza-boy-meets-lonely-housewife scenarios from the VHS tapes she used to steal from under her brother’s bed. Rhonda had even made an effort to replicate the hokey dialogue: “You’re hungry? I have something you’ll want to eat,” she had declared, lifting her skirt to reveal a lacy pair of crotchless panties. Still, as they lay together, spent from an evening of passionate and athletic fantasy fulfillment, Kim had to admit something to herself: she kind of resented Rhonda for showing up with an empty pizza box.

***

Alice had worked all afternoon on her Damsel in Distress costume. She couldn’t believe how readily Lamar had agreed to role play with her. He’d  nodded along eagerly as she detailed her fantasy: a princess in a tower, a handsome prince who rescues her, kisses her sweetly, and then fucks her ass until she screams with delight. When she heard the door to Lamar’s studio open, she practically skipped into the living room to meet him, unable to wait to see her husband transformed into a fairy tale prince.

Lamar wore a long, elegant gown, opera gloves, and a dainty tiara.

After they’d laughed, gasped for breath, laughed harder, gotten themselves under control, lost control again when Lamar turned to Alice and murmured, “Milady,” howled with laughter until Alice had a coughing fit and had to get a glass of water, and settled finally into a comfortable silence punctuated only by the occasional giggle, Alice turned to her husband.

“Rock paper scissors for who gets to go first?”

***

“What I really want is to role play that I’m going to a sex store and you’re my hot salesperson.”

“I have a friend who works at The Pleasure Chest! I’ll talk to her and get some ideas.”

Later that day:

“I’m interested in that vibrator… but I’m hoping that you’ll show me how to use it.”

“Sure! Here’s a schedule for our free workshop series!”

***

This harrowingly unsexy Halloween edition of Disappointingly Realistic Erotica was co-written with Sarah Sloane. You can read previous installments here

Oct 27 2014

Want to Win a Fun Factory Amor?
Invent a Halloween-Themed Porn!

23

by Kate M.

fun factory amor black fun factory amor orange

Update: The staff has voted, and Kim and Gustavo M will each be receiving a Fun Factory Amor! Thanks to all of you who cracked us up with your smutty puns this Halloween! 

Happy Halloween week! We’re giving away one Fun Factory Stubs Amor dildo in black and one in orange! 

Amor’s modest 5.5″ size and versatility make it a great choice for beginners, and it’s unusual and awesome texture makes it perfect for the dildo connoisseur. A slight curve in its shaft is sure to hit the spot, and its wide base is compatible with most harnesses. Of course, it’s made of high-quality silicone. 

Want to win? Here’s how.

In the comments below, make up a title for a Halloween- or horror-themed porno. Spook My Dick, for example, or Coven Lovin’. We’ll pick our two favorites on Friday, October 31st at noon, and each winner will get an Amor dildo! 

U.S. residents only. 

Oct 23 2014

Want to Win a We-Vibe Touch Plus?
Tell Us Your Superpower!

20

by Kate M.

we-vibe touch

Update: Congratulations to Lisa, who won the Touch Plus! Thanks to all of you who shared your superpowers with us. Keep an eye out for an awesome Halloween-themed giveaway soon! 

We’re giving away a We-Vibe Touch Plus!

Flexible and soft, The We-Vibe Touch Plus features a rounded tip for ultra-thrilling direct contact, and a unique pleasure wave shape that gently caresses. It’s made of silky, waterproof silicone and houses a powerful, whisper-quiet motor. Enjoy up to two hours of intimate play on a single charge. Plus, this update of one of our favorite toys is USB rechargeable, with an improved charging cap and a low-power alert, so that you know when you need to charge it again.

Want to win a We-Vibe Touch Plus? Here’s how.

The Touch Plus is super powerful, and you can be too! In the comments below, tell us what your superpower would be: the one that best suits you, not necessarily the one you’d most want. Feel free to get creative! We’ll pick a winner on Monday, October 27th at noon PDT.

U.S. residents only. 

Oct 23 2014

The Sklar Brothers & More!
Performance Anxiety October 28th

0

by Kate M.

performance anxiety flyer Oct28th

Join us on Tuesday, October 28th at 8pm for another evening of Performance Anxiety, the twice-monthly comedy night hosted by Eli Olsberg at our West Hollywood store.

For just $7, you get free beer, 15% off your purchases and an evening with some of the best comics working today.

The show will feature appearances by

The show is first come, first served and you are encouraged to buy tickets in advance to guarantee a seat.

Oct 21 2014

Fisting: a Testimonial

0

by Kate M.

fisting magic

There is absolutely nothing in the world that is as shockingly intimate as having your hand enclosed in someone’s body. The time it takes to work it in – finger by finger, slowly stretching, cajoling their body into opening up for you – it moves in an almost alternate reality. Hours become minutes, become hours. Your focus tightens in on just your hand – the tissue tight around your knuckles, the impossible heat of their body like a small sun around your fist. Your world is their breath, their heartbeat pounding against the tip of your fingers. They breathe at that one ripe, right moment, and your hand finds its way a millimeter further into them. And the tiny movements of your hand feel like earthquakes to your lover; the flex of your thumb rocks against their spots and tremors shake through their body. Their hand reaches towards you, trying to close the circuit, wrapping around your wrist. And then you’re there – your hand trapped by every shudder and convulsion, your ears ringing with their screams and moans, your heart racing with theirs, and what started out as a slow exploration becomes a watershed moment between two people who are open and intimate and bound together by nothing more than a single hand.

This guest post was written by Sarah Sloane

Oct 21 2014

Disappointingly Realistic Erotica:
Fisting Trysts

0

by Kate M.

fisting hulk

Oscar let out a shuddering breath as he felt Amanda’s knuckles graze his taint. Gripping the already rumpled sheet, he waited for the gentle touch of his girlfriend’s soft fingertip on his anus. He almost couldn’t believe it – she’d not only agreed to his ultimate fantasy, but she’d jumped at the chance to make him feel amazing. He felt silly that he’d been so nervous to tell her what he wanted.

Oh wow. She was getting creative, using her lubed-up knuckles to massage his asshole. Oscar groaned, reveling in the pressure, moving his hips to grind against Amanda’s hand.

“Honey?” Amanda paused, glancing up at him, her brow furrowed.

“What’s up?”

“I don’t thing this is going to work.” Amanda held up her balled fist, gazing sadly at it.

Realization dawned.

“Oh love,” Oscar laughed. “Let’s talk about what ‘fisting’ means.”

***

“Oh yes, yes, oh god, now curl your fingers–NAILS NAILS STOP OW FUCK”

***

“So this is what it’s like to fuck in zero gravity,” Xorgana giggled, lightly pinching one of Svarne’s dark blue forenipples.

“So this is what it’s like to fuck a human,” Svarne replied, snapping a glove onto her smallest hand and running it through a large patch of free-floating lube that had spilled from the bottle.

Xorgana relaxed into the weightlessness as Svarne probed her with many-jointed fingers. This wasn’t what she had imagined when she had dreamed of exploring the galaxy: it was so much better. Gradually, though, she became aware of a growing discomfort.

“Wait,”she said warily, “That’s not a latex glove, is it?”

“Yeah, baby,” Svarne replied absently, four of her fingers still undulating inside of Xorgana.

“I told you I was allergic!” Xorgana exclaimed, her eyes beginning to well with all-too-human tears. “How are we supposed to make this work if you don’t listen to me?”

***

I can’t believe I’m fisting the high school quarterback. Rex’s ass is propped up on a pillow for better access, and his strong, hairy hand works his own thick cock. His full lips form inarticulate sounds that I’m pretty sure are supposed to be pleas.

“What’s that, big boy?”

“Please don’t stop.”

“Oh no?” I slow my fist’s already slight motion almost to a standstill. “Even after what you called me at tryouts? I don’t know if you deserve to feel this good.”

“Please, Bruce.”

“Is that my name? I thought it was Little Bitch.”

Rex whimpers helplessly. Then, his ass erupts in a massive, wet fart that reverberates around my hand.

***

“Silent duck?!?” Amanda shrieked with delight. It took her a full minute to get the giggle fit under control.

***

Felicia lay languidly in her lover’s arms, spent from a night of passion. She felt like a flower, newly bloomed. She felt all of the womynly power of Mother Earth rising from the ground to greet her. She felt like spring. She had felt her lover’s whole hand inside her, making love to her most secret depths, and she had been whole. Holding fast to the knowledge that she had truly been reborn that night, Felicia drifted off to sleep.

She woke in the night needing to pee, hurried to the bathroom, and soon returned to bed.

Then she needed to pee again.

Then she needed to pee again.

Felicia was a womyn with a UTI.

***

Always pee after getting vaginally fisted, y’all! UTIs are no fun. Also, check out previous installments of Disappointingly Realistic Erotica here

Oct 21 2014

The Fist List:
Becoming a Master Fister

0

by Kate M.

fisting batman

1. Please remove any rings, bracelets, watches, or fitness bands from your hands and arms prior to fisting. If you leave anything in your partner’s ass or vagina, remember that possession is 9/10 of the law, and gracefully cease all claim to it.

2. Things that are not adequate substitutes for latex or nitrile gloves: food prep gloves, silicone oven mitts, saran wrap rubber-banded in place, bubble gum, Ziploc baggies, and sock puppets.

3. Things that are not adequate substitutes for lube: spit, WD-40, expensive Moroccan argan oil hair conditioners, beard wax, dish detergent, Mr. Clean, and pickle juice.

4. Put a towel down. Trust us. No really. Do it. We’ll wait. In fact, why don’t you grab two? And a cum rag. And while you’re at it, a water bottle with a straw in it, so that I don’t die from dehydration, forgoshsake. And maybe a pizza. We’re gonna be here for a while.

5. You do not get bonus points for speed or depth; you do, however, get graded on style and technical ability. But watch out. The German judges are sticklers for the dismount.

These face-saving tips were brought to you by sex educator and consummate snark-er Sarah Sloane

Oct 15 2014

Want to Win a We-Vibe Tango?
Prove yourself.

19

by Kate M.

we-vibe tango

Update: Congratulations to Asha, who won the We-Vibe Tango! We have another awesome vibe from We-Vibe and a Halloween surprise in the pipeline, so keep an eye out! 

We’re giving away a We-Vibe Tango, maybe the best bullet vibe ever.

It takes one to Tango when you’ve got the right toy. This elegantly-sculpted, lipstick-shaped vibe conceals a surprisingly strong motor. Tango packs a lot of power for a pocket vibe, delivering four pulsation patterns at four levels of intensity, and can run for up to two hours on a single charge. It’s also body-safe, waterproof, ideal for travel, and can replace the weaker bullets that come with some dildos and harnesses. Plus, this update of one of our favorite toys is USB rechargeable, with an improved charging cap and a low-power alert, so that you know when you need to charge it again.

Want to win a Tango? Here’s how.

Here’s the thing about the Tango: it’s so unassuming when you look at it that most people are surprised by how incredibly powerful it is. So, in the comments below, tell us about a time that you got to prove yourself – at your job, on a project, to yourself, by beating the record for time spent hula hooping, whatever.

We’ll pick a winner on Tuesday, October 21st at noon PDT.

U.S. residents only. 

Oct 14 2014

Learning to Love My Naked Body –
A Guest Post by Ashley Manta

0

by Kate M.

the bathers

In celebration of Love Your Body Day, we wanted to share a story from someone who learned to love her own body. This article was reprinted with permission from sex educator Ashley Manta‘s blog. 

I have struggled with body confidence my entire life. I’ve been 132lbs and I’ve been over 250lbs. One thing I found that was incredibly empowering for me was learning to be comfortable naked. I did that by working as a figure model for artists for a year, which culminated in me posing for a series of artistic nudes on camera. Since I believe in modeling vulnerability, I’m going to share those photos with you.

Figure Modeling

Being a figure model is hard work. You might think, “you just stand there naked, how hard could that be?” It’s very hard. Keep in mind, people are replicating your body onto the medium of their choice–charcoal, paint, clay, etc. It takes time to do that, which means you need to stay in the same position. In a typical three hour class, I would do twenty minutes of one-minute poses (in various contorted positions to give them interesting things to sketch quickly) then a longer pose that I would hold for 20 minutes at a time for the remainder of the class. It was incredible. I would walk around during my break and see myself through the eyes of the artists who were capturing my body on paper, and it felt wonderful. There was no photoshopping, no shame. It wasn’t just my body. It was art.

Live Modeling

There was an art expo in Mechanicsburg, PA where artists were creating in real time so that attendees could watch them work. I was hired to be a body art model, which meant that the artist was going to create a painting on my body and then I’d walk around to showcase it. I sat for about 45 minutes while the artist created an incredible Japanese geisha on my back, with a dragon kimono and surrounded by cherry blossoms. I wish I still had a picture of that, but sadly it was lost when my last computer died.

Once the the artist finished, I sat for a few minutes in front of a fan, waiting for the paint to dry, then stood up and walked around a room full of strangers, topless. They needed to be able to see my back, since that’s where the art was. I was surprised that a place in South Central PA (know for its conservative values) was so permissive with nudity. It was glorious. I was complimented, many people took pictures of my back, and no one called me fat.

The Photo Shoot

About a year later, I met a photographer at an art gallery in West Chester, PA. I mentioned that I enjoyed nude modeling, and we exchanged contact information. A few weeks later, we scheduled a photo shoot at his studio. He was very kind. He gave me space to change (the first few shots were in clothes), he assured me that his wife was upstairs so that I felt more comfortable, and put on some powerful Madonna songs.

I was nervous at first. Doing the clothed shots helped me to get over the initial anxiety of doing a photoshoot (which felt a lot scarier than figure modeling for some reason!) Here is one of my favorite clothed shots:

ashley w black shirt

Once I felt pretty warmed up, we moved to some shots with a white sheet draped around my body. The photographer liked to do cool things with light and shadow, which was neat to see once the prints arrived.

Once I was topless, the last frontier was to take off that white sheet and be fully naked. I was honestly less concerned about exposing my genitals than I was about exposing my tummy. I was so focused on it that I started to get into my head and panic. The artist was patient and kind. He told me that art does not recognize size or shape. It’s all beautiful. Then I remembered my favorite painting, The Bathers by Renoir. The thing I love most about it was it is that it depicts a group of women who are playfully and unapologetically loving their bodies. I cast the sheet aside. “Let’s do this!”

To read the rest of the article and see more photos from the shoot, visit Ashley’s blog. (NSFW)

Oct 14 2014

The Pleasure Chest in 1993

0

by Kate M.


We got SUCH a kick out of this video from 1993, in which The Mad Monks, a couple that used to travel around in an RV together, visited The Pleasure Chest in West Hollywood. We wish that they’d gone inside, but they do interview a very confused employee outside the store.