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Nov 01 2014

Disappointingly Realistic Erotica:
Role Play Rendezvous

0

by Kate M.

bert macklin fbi

Twirling his mustache – but not too hard, in case the spirit gum holding it in place gave out – Alan whirled on his boyfriend. He knew that he made an intimidating picture: the jacket he’d bought at the army surplus store was freshly pressed and fit him like a glove, showing off his broad, muscled chest.

“Tell me,” he rumbled, “Where you have hidden the microfilm.”

He glanced down at Isaac. He had tied the smaller man to a kitchen chair, deftly restraining each of his lanky limbs.

“Okay!” Isaac chirped.

Alan hesitated for a moment and then recovered.

“You seem to think that this will go easy for you,” he continued. “but unless you tell me where to find the microfilm, I will torture you, starting with this terrifying device!”

He brandished his Violet Wand menacingly, flicking it on so that Isaac could see the electricity running through it in the dim light. Sweet, submissive-to-the-core Isaac smiled up at him.

“I’ll tell you anything you want to know,” he insisted, beaming. “I just want to make you happy.”

***

“You said you were from Italy.”

“But I am, my beauteeful laydee!”

“You sound French.”

“Non. I am Eetalian!”

“You sound like Pepe le Pew.”

***

Yes, her gorgeous, creative partner had screen printed a t-shirt with the logo of a local pizzeria, had rung the doorbell, had stammered as though dumbstruck by Kim’s beauty when she had opened the door. Rhonda had been paying attention all those weeks ago, when Kim confided in her that she still fantasized about the goofy pizza-boy-meets-lonely-housewife scenarios from the VHS tapes she used to steal from under her brother’s bed. Rhonda had even made an effort to replicate the hokey dialogue: “You’re hungry? I have something you’ll want to eat,” she had declared, lifting her skirt to reveal a lacy pair of crotchless panties. Still, as they lay together, spent from an evening of passionate and athletic fantasy fulfillment, Kim had to admit something to herself: she kind of resented Rhonda for showing up with an empty pizza box.

***

Alice had worked all afternoon on her Damsel in Distress costume. She couldn’t believe how readily Lamar had agreed to role play with her. He’d  nodded along eagerly as she detailed her fantasy: a princess in a tower, a handsome prince who rescues her, kisses her sweetly, and then fucks her ass until she screams with delight. When she heard the door to Lamar’s studio open, she practically skipped into the living room to meet him, unable to wait to see her husband transformed into a fairy tale prince.

Lamar wore a long, elegant gown, opera gloves, and a dainty tiara.

After they’d laughed, gasped for breath, laughed harder, gotten themselves under control, lost control again when Lamar turned to Alice and murmured, “Milady,” howled with laughter until Alice had a coughing fit and had to get a glass of water, and settled finally into a comfortable silence punctuated only by the occasional giggle, Alice turned to her husband.

“Rock paper scissors for who gets to go first?”

***

“What I really want is to role play that I’m going to a sex store and you’re my hot salesperson.”

“I have a friend who works at The Pleasure Chest! I’ll talk to her and get some ideas.”

Later that day:

“I’m interested in that vibrator… but I’m hoping that you’ll show me how to use it.”

“Sure! Here’s a schedule for our free workshop series!”

***

This harrowingly unsexy Halloween edition of Disappointingly Realistic Erotica was co-written with Sarah Sloane. You can read previous installments here

Oct 21 2014

Disappointingly Realistic Erotica:
Fisting Trysts

0

by Kate M.

fisting hulk

Oscar let out a shuddering breath as he felt Amanda’s knuckles graze his taint. Gripping the already rumpled sheet, he waited for the gentle touch of his girlfriend’s soft fingertip on his anus. He almost couldn’t believe it – she’d not only agreed to his ultimate fantasy, but she’d jumped at the chance to make him feel amazing. He felt silly that he’d been so nervous to tell her what he wanted.

Oh wow. She was getting creative, using her lubed-up knuckles to massage his asshole. Oscar groaned, reveling in the pressure, moving his hips to grind against Amanda’s hand.

“Honey?” Amanda paused, glancing up at him, her brow furrowed.

“What’s up?”

“I don’t thing this is going to work.” Amanda held up her balled fist, gazing sadly at it.

Realization dawned.

“Oh love,” Oscar laughed. “Let’s talk about what ‘fisting’ means.”

***

“Oh yes, yes, oh god, now curl your fingers–NAILS NAILS STOP OW FUCK”

***

“So this is what it’s like to fuck in zero gravity,” Xorgana giggled, lightly pinching one of Svarne’s dark blue forenipples.

“So this is what it’s like to fuck a human,” Svarne replied, snapping a glove onto her smallest hand and running it through a large patch of free-floating lube that had spilled from the bottle.

Xorgana relaxed into the weightlessness as Svarne probed her with many-jointed fingers. This wasn’t what she had imagined when she had dreamed of exploring the galaxy: it was so much better. Gradually, though, she became aware of a growing discomfort.

“Wait,”she said warily, “That’s not a latex glove, is it?”

“Yeah, baby,” Svarne replied absently, four of her fingers still undulating inside of Xorgana.

“I told you I was allergic!” Xorgana exclaimed, her eyes beginning to well with all-too-human tears. “How are we supposed to make this work if you don’t listen to me?”

***

I can’t believe I’m fisting the high school quarterback. Rex’s ass is propped up on a pillow for better access, and his strong, hairy hand works his own thick cock. His full lips form inarticulate sounds that I’m pretty sure are supposed to be pleas.

“What’s that, big boy?”

“Please don’t stop.”

“Oh no?” I slow my fist’s already slight motion almost to a standstill. “Even after what you called me at tryouts? I don’t know if you deserve to feel this good.”

“Please, Bruce.”

“Is that my name? I thought it was Little Bitch.”

Rex whimpers helplessly. Then, his ass erupts in a massive, wet fart that reverberates around my hand.

***

“Silent duck?!?” Amanda shrieked with delight. It took her a full minute to get the giggle fit under control.

***

Felicia lay languidly in her lover’s arms, spent from a night of passion. She felt like a flower, newly bloomed. She felt all of the womynly power of Mother Earth rising from the ground to greet her. She felt like spring. She had felt her lover’s whole hand inside her, making love to her most secret depths, and she had been whole. Holding fast to the knowledge that she had truly been reborn that night, Felicia drifted off to sleep.

She woke in the night needing to pee, hurried to the bathroom, and soon returned to bed.

Then she needed to pee again.

Then she needed to pee again.

Felicia was a womyn with a UTI.

***

Always pee after getting vaginally fisted, y’all! UTIs are no fun. Also, check out previous installments of Disappointingly Realistic Erotica here

Oct 03 2014

Disappointingly Realistic Erotica:
Blowjob Bringdown

1

by Kate M.

Blowing-bubble-003

“On your knees.”

I sank gratefully to the floor, calmed and aroused at once by the cool tone of authority in Drew’s voice. I watched their well worn boots as they approached me, taking slow, deliberate steps. I couldn’t wait to get my hands on those boots, to make them shine. To see the pride on Drew’s face when they saw what I could do with their boots.

The clink of a buckle. The quick tug of a zipper. The faint rustle of a silicone cock being released from a pair of briefs. It seemed that Drew was more interested in what I could do with my mouth.

“Suck it,” Drew murmured.

I obeyed and nearly gagged on a mouthful of lint.

***

“Do not stop, I prithee do not stop,” the pirate king panted.

Emmaline let a small smile play across her lips as she worked her captor’s rigid manhood with both of her smooth, petite hands. She might be the hostage, but she was the one in control. With a tongue that, mere days before, she had thought she would only ever use for prayers and polite conversation, she lapped at the pirate king’s nether head.

The pirate king howled as his climax shot from him. Emmaline howled too.

“Merciful God, it’s in my eye!”

***

Brutus held Chad’s hair as the boy slobbered on Brutus’s dick. Chad might be the worst kind of college bro, but his cocksucking skills weren’t up for debate.

“You like the taste of my cock, kid?” Brutus yanked Chad’s head back, grinning into the boy’s eager face. Chad opened his mouth to answer.

“Hhhhhhcccchhhhhhhhh.”

“What’s that?”

“Hgghh! Hhhhhgggccchhhh!”

“Do you have a pube in your throat?”

Chad nodded as he coughed.

***

Read more Disappointingly Realistic Erotica here

Sep 19 2014

Disappointingly Realistic Erotica:
I Wanna Take You to a Gay Bar

1

by Kate M.

lesbian pulp

Pushing aside a stray lock of hair, I leaned in to murmur in my girlfriend’s ear. “Do you like this, my naughty girl? Do you like to watch?”
Turning toward me, so that our lips almost touched, she replied, “I really don’t. This is, like, the male gaze-iest.”
“Thank god!” I laughed, “I hate it too!”
“Why are their nails so long?”
“Dude, why is anything about this?”
“I can’t even with straight porn,” my girlfriend sighed, reaching for the remote.

***

“Bend over, baby, I’m going to pound your ass hard!”
“Can we not do that position? Today was leg day at the gym.”
“Uh…ok, then on your back!”
“Well, I get gassy when you fuck me like that”
“Okay… then suck it hard!”
“I had burritos for dinner and my acid reflux is acting up”
“Hand job?”

***

It was a quiet night at The Girl Cave, and the dance floor was empty. Priscilla leaned against the wall nursing a cold beer, letting the condensation from the bottle collect and drip between her fingers, its wetness reminding her distantly of passionate nights spent with her last love.

“Don’t think about her,” Priscilla reminded herself.

She caught the eye of a cute butch across the room.

“Why not?” thought Priscilla. “I’ll let her buy me a drink, she’ll ask me to dance, I’ll let her take me home, and I’ll forget all about that heartbreaker.”

Across the room, the cute butch was thinking exactly the same thing.

The dance floor stayed empty. For hours, every lesbian in the bar leaned against the wall, nursing a drink and sneaking furtive glances at each other. No one went home with anyone.

The Girl Cave closed down a month later.

***

“So, it’s my first time…” I looked down, suddenly shy now that I’d said it out loud.

“That’s okay, man, I’ll take care of you. So you’re a bottom?”

“Oh yeah, I’ve been fantasizing about getting fucked for years”

By way of reply, the handsome stranger reached into his jeans and pulled out the most enormous cock I could possibly have imagined. I gaped at it, thinking quickly.

“Well, maybe I’m really a top…”

***

I couldn’t look away. Before me, two lithe bodies pressed together, limbs entangled, teeth biting lips.
“God, I hate Jenny.”
“Eh, I hate her less this season. It’s her best haircut.”
“I’m so happy she dies,” my girlfriend sighed, reaching for the box of Franzia.

***

This installment of Disappointingly Realistic Erotica was co-written with Sarah Sloane. Check out previous installments here

Aug 28 2014

Did You Hear the One About
the German Dude & the Sex Swing?

0

by Kate M.

sex sling

A German court recently upheld a landlord’s decision to evict one of her tenants for using a “very old” sex swing late at night, consistently keeping his neighbors up with “sexual, athletic and squeaking noises.” As much as we love late night action, we have sympathy: the rental agreement included a clause about keeping the noise down after 10PM, and even if it didn’t it’s just bad manners to make loud noise at night in an apartment.

If only the tenant had realized that Pjur Bodyglide lube is awesome for squeaky chains, hinges, etc.

h/t The Guardian

Jul 28 2014

Sex Ed We Can Get Behind:
“Gay Love” with Kevin Yee

0

by Kate M.


We’re a little jealous. We’ve sat through as many boring high school health classes as anyone else, and not once – not once! – did the inimitable Kevin Yee appear in a shower of hearts to give us a valuable, musical lesson in contraception.

If this didn’t happen to you either, we recommend that you watch his latest video immediately.

Jul 11 2014

5 Sex Toys We’d Like To See

0

by Kate M.

daydreaming

We’re just a day away from the Adult Novelty Manufacturers Expo (ANME), where we’ll get to see all of the exciting new products that the sex industry has dreamed up this year. In anticipation of the happy event, we’ve started to fantasize about what we wish we could see at ANME. Here’s what we keep coming back to:

1. The dream machine: a massager as strong as a Magic Wand Original (the artist formerly known as the Hitachi), waterproof, and with the Magic Wand’s reasonable price point. Update: Also, it would have to be cordless, obviously, because we like being alive. 

2. More stuff in bold, non-pink colors, like the blue Fun Factory Amorino.

3. A silicone version of that one jelly rubber butt plug we used to have that melted during a heat wave and we cried for days.

4. A steam-powered vibrator, for ultimate hipster cred.

5. Sex robots that appreciate humanity too much to overthrow it.

Jul 10 2014

“Dinosaur shaped dildo”
& Other Search Terms

0

by Kate M.

It’s time once again to venture into the search terms and see what unusual requests and innocuous Googles brought people to us. Here are the requests that made us scratch out heads in confusion, either because they make no sense or because it makes no sense that they would lead folks to us.

“Amyl notoriety” [Great name for a band, right?] 

“Ballet shoes”

“Beaver wall bonjour”

carrreeeerrrrsss
“CAREERSS”

“Check inshore inventory”

“Cheesecake factory”

“Chlorinated”

“Dinosaur shaped dildo”

dog knots
“Dog knots”

“Earthly body”

“Face duck”

“Fur pug”

“Hygienically juice poppers”

puzzle-pieces
“Jigsaw puzzles”

“Maryland”

“Monopoly”

“Painties with coke”

“ProstRATE” [Goddammit, the other one!]

roger rabbit
“Roger rabbit vibrators”

Both “sdfasdf” and “sdfsdafasd”

“Stethoscope”

“Tantrums pro touch”

“Watermelon by”