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Sep 19 2014

Disappointingly Realistic Erotica:
I Wanna Take You to a Gay Bar

1

by Kate M.

lesbian pulp

Pushing aside a stray lock of hair, I leaned in to murmur in my girlfriend’s ear. “Do you like this, my naughty girl? Do you like to watch?”
Turning toward me, so that our lips almost touched, she replied, “I really don’t. This is, like, the male gaze-iest.”
“Thank god!” I laughed, “I hate it too!”
“Why are their nails so long?”
“Dude, why is anything about this?”
“I can’t even with straight porn,” my girlfriend sighed, reaching for the remote.

***

“Bend over, baby, I’m going to pound your ass hard!”
“Can we not do that position? Today was leg day at the gym.”
“Uh…ok, then on your back!”
“Well, I get gassy when you fuck me like that”
“Okay… then suck it hard!”
“I had burritos for dinner and my acid reflux is acting up”
“Hand job?”

***

It was a quiet night at The Girl Cave, and the dance floor was empty. Priscilla leaned against the wall nursing a cold beer, letting the condensation from the bottle collect and drip between her fingers, its wetness reminding her distantly of passionate nights spent with her last love.

“Don’t think about her,” Priscilla reminded herself.

She caught the eye of a cute butch across the room.

“Why not?” thought Priscilla. “I’ll let her buy me a drink, she’ll ask me to dance, I’ll let her take me home, and I’ll forget all about that heartbreaker.”

Across the room, the cute butch was thinking exactly the same thing.

The dance floor stayed empty. For hours, every lesbian in the bar leaned against the wall, nursing a drink and sneaking furtive glances at each other. No one went home with anyone.

The Girl Cave closed down a month later.

***

“So, it’s my first time…” I looked down, suddenly shy now that I’d said it out loud.

“That’s okay, man, I’ll take care of you. So you’re a bottom?”

“Oh yeah, I’ve been fantasizing about getting fucked for years”

By way of reply, the handsome stranger reached into his jeans and pulled out the most enormous cock I could possibly have imagined. I gaped at it, thinking quickly.

“Well, maybe I’m really a top…”

***

I couldn’t look away. Before me, two lithe bodies pressed together, limbs entangled, teeth biting lips.
“God, I hate Jenny.”
“Eh, I hate her less this season. It’s her best haircut.”
“I’m so happy she dies,” my girlfriend sighed, reaching for the box of Franzia.

***

This installment of Disappointingly Realistic Erotica was co-written with Sarah Sloane. Check out previous installments here

Aug 28 2014

Did You Hear the One About
the German Dude & the Sex Swing?

0

by Kate M.

sex sling

A German court recently upheld a landlord’s decision to evict one of her tenants for using a “very old” sex swing late at night, consistently keeping his neighbors up with “sexual, athletic and squeaking noises.” As much as we love late night action, we have sympathy: the rental agreement included a clause about keeping the noise down after 10PM, and even if it didn’t it’s just bad manners to make loud noise at night in an apartment.

If only the tenant had realized that Pjur Bodyglide lube is awesome for squeaky chains, hinges, etc.

h/t The Guardian

Jul 28 2014

Sex Ed We Can Get Behind:
“Gay Love” with Kevin Yee

0

by Kate M.


We’re a little jealous. We’ve sat through as many boring high school health classes as anyone else, and not once – not once! – did the inimitable Kevin Yee appear in a shower of hearts to give us a valuable, musical lesson in contraception.

If this didn’t happen to you either, we recommend that you watch his latest video immediately.

Jul 11 2014

5 Sex Toys We’d Like To See

0

by Kate M.

daydreaming

We’re just a day away from the Adult Novelty Manufacturers Expo (ANME), where we’ll get to see all of the exciting new products that the sex industry has dreamed up this year. In anticipation of the happy event, we’ve started to fantasize about what we wish we could see at ANME. Here’s what we keep coming back to:

1. The dream machine: a massager as strong as a Magic Wand Original (the artist formerly known as the Hitachi), waterproof, and with the Magic Wand’s reasonable price point. Update: Also, it would have to be cordless, obviously, because we like being alive. 

2. More stuff in bold, non-pink colors, like the blue Fun Factory Amorino.

3. A silicone version of that one jelly rubber butt plug we used to have that melted during a heat wave and we cried for days.

4. A steam-powered vibrator, for ultimate hipster cred.

5. Sex robots that appreciate humanity too much to overthrow it.

Jul 10 2014

“Dinosaur shaped dildo”
& Other Search Terms

0

by Kate M.

It’s time once again to venture into the search terms and see what unusual requests and innocuous Googles brought people to us. Here are the requests that made us scratch out heads in confusion, either because they make no sense or because it makes no sense that they would lead folks to us.

“Amyl notoriety” [Great name for a band, right?] 

“Ballet shoes”

“Beaver wall bonjour”

carrreeeerrrrsss
“CAREERSS”

“Check inshore inventory”

“Cheesecake factory”

“Chlorinated”

“Dinosaur shaped dildo”

dog knots
“Dog knots”

“Earthly body”

“Face duck”

“Fur pug”

“Hygienically juice poppers”

puzzle-pieces
“Jigsaw puzzles”

“Maryland”

“Monopoly”

“Painties with coke”

“ProstRATE” [Goddammit, the other one!]

roger rabbit
“Roger rabbit vibrators”

Both “sdfasdf” and “sdfsdafasd”

“Stethoscope”

“Tantrums pro touch”

“Watermelon by”

Apr 24 2014

Sex and the Search Terms

0

by Kate M.

rubber snake

Sometimes it’s fun to look back on the month’s search terms and see what offbeat web searches have led people to The Pleasure Chest. Here are some recent offerings:

“viking” and ” tickling” and ” picture” 

24 hour sex toy operators [They never stop.]

32 style sex

4 generations before leif Erickson  [Are we sensing a viking theme?]

40 shades of grey vibrator reviews [Fifty was too many.]

a movable dildo [by Ernest Hemingway]

a sex toy that say’s play ball on it

adult dildo dong news 

adult flavored sex wax

adult movie with bunny and balls candy

austrian porn films with lederhosen

dildo contact phone number.

dominatrix who perform urethral stretching on mens penis with stainsteel sounds .com

importance of assfuck [by Oscar Wilde]

quick connect/disconnect safety valve that maintains the vacuum after you disconnect

viking armor [Yup, definitely a viking theme.]

salma hayek breastfeeding

rubber snake as a sex toy

Apr 17 2014

Fish Will Eat Your Sex Toys

0

by Kate M.

cod and dildo

Bjørn Frilund, a Norwegian fisherman, caught a fish. Inside that fish was a vibrator.

“Fish eat all kinds of different things,” he told The Local. “And the dildo looks like what the fish eat. We have a kind of multi-coloured octopus in Norway, maybe the cod thought this was one of these and ate it.” 

What was the vibrator doing in the water in the first place? More importantly, what have we done to deserve this amazing story? If we do more of it, will we hear about a lion who adopts a blow-up doll and raises it as his own?

h/t The Local

Apr 11 2014

Bubble Porn

3

by Kate M.

bubble porn

Sometimes, you want to watch porn, but you can’t because your church tells you that it’s wrong. What a bummer. Luckily, an ingenious Mormon invented “bubbling” – covering pictures of girls in bikinis with a pattern of circles that obscures their clothing, so that you can better imagine them naked. Thanks, technicality!

A new comedy video has taken bubbling a step further, using bubbling to turn innocent situations into smut. It’s not porn, but it’s still probably NSFW.

h/t Gizmodo