THIS ENTRY WAS POSTED ON April 1, 2017 BY Team Pleasure Chest.
The Pleasure Chest is pleased to announce their first-ever Abstinence April. The month-long celebration of celibacy kicks off today with subdued gatherings at all Pleasure Chest stores. Each gathering will feature prayer circles, abstinence support counseling, DIY turtleneck-making, and delicious refreshments including warm apple juice and saltine crackers. In lieu of a DJ, each location will feature a trained flutist. “Ever since Donald Trump won the election, we’ve seen a significant drop in libidos in all our markets”, said Head of Business Operations Tara Somchesson. New York staff member Randy Johnson shares the same sentiment: “I’ve been trying to maintain an erection since November 9th. I get turned on, but then inevitably my thoughts wander to the Supreme Court vacancy or the environment and I go softer than a Nicholas Sparks movie.”
And Randy’s not alone. In a nationwide poll, when asked about their sex life post-election, 67% of all Americans responded with “nope”, while 29% responded with “are you fucking kidding me right now?”. Despite this dip in sexual interest, staffers are confident that they can make sales in their less erotic departments. “I mean, a lot of people don’t realize just how many candles we carry. And our bong sales have tripled,” said Chicago manager Rindy St. George. "That’s something right?” Other staffers have used their lack of sex drive to repurpose their beloved toys: LA staffer B.C. Buffington turned his Fleshlight collection into a combination art installation/squirrel feeder. Despite the general atmosphere of malaise and terror, Tara remains upbeat and enthusiastic about the month-long promotion. “We’re really trying to make the best of a bad situation. Celibate good times, come on!”.
*If you've read this far, we're pretty sure you know we're joking. If it wasn't clear, APRIL FOOLS!