Despite what it might sound like (and despite what you may have seen in a certain popular book-turned-movie), BDSM negotiation is not a competition in which two partners use fancy legal jargon to try to win an argument about what their sexytimes will look like. (That's a fun fantasy, but in real life, it's more likely to leave you resentful and upset than ready to go.) Instead, it's a collaboration in which both (or all) partners discover what they might like to enjoy together.

For folks who are unfamiliar with the lingo, BDSM is an acronym that encompasses bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadism and masochism. We'll be using "scene" to refer to the period of time in which BDSM is happening and "play" to mean just about anything that can happen within a BDSM scene, from dirty talk to heavy flogging.

Want to fulfill all of your kinky fantasies? This is where to start, especially when you're playing with someone for the first time.

"But doesn't negotiation take away the spontaneity?""Think of it this way: we can have a lot more fun once I know what makes you tick."

1. Negotiate as equals, not from a power dynamic.

You may be the most intense dominant that ever dominated, or the most passive submissive, but this isn't the time to make demands or ask permission. Both of your wants and needs matter and deserve to be given equal weight.

2. Tell your partner what you like and don't like.

Likes and dislikes can go by degrees, so be as specific as you can. For instance:

"I like being pinched, except on my inner thighs."

"I like the Neon Wand, but I can only take it for a few minutes."
"I like tickling my partner's feet until they shout with laughter."

"I like being spanked really hard until I bruise."

"I like being called names, but don't call me 'toy'."

"I like being called names, especially 'whore'."
"I like being called 'Mistress', but I don't like being called 'ma'am.'"

"I don't like being bitten, so you can use that as punishment if you want to."

"I don't like pain, but I like proving that I can take it."

"I like being spanked because it turns me on; I like being slapped in the face because it makes me afraid."

Don't know what you like? Talk about what you'd like to try, or take a look at a yes/no/maybe list.

Don't know how to do something? Do a little research first to make sure that you can do it safely!

"He wants to 'cyber'? What's a cyber?"

3. Don't say "ew."

You're both sharing some pretty personal information, and that can be scary! You don't have to try everything that your partner wants to try, and vice versa, but you do have to be kind and respectful. If you're surprised by something your partner says, ask them what about that particular kink or scenario appeals to them. On that note...

4. Find common ground.

What if one of you wants to try something that makes the other uncomfortable? Drill down to the core of the fantasy and find what about it appeals to you most . If you want to do teacher/student role play, but your partner doesn't want to try age play, can you find another fantasy that appeals to you for similar reasons? If you like the power dynamic, you could try a boss/employee role play. If you want to be playful and innocent, you could role play as a sheltered heiress or even a fairy.

5. Tell your partner your limits.

These are things your partner should never do. Even if it's something you don't think they'll do in the context of the scene, mention it.

"Sorry, handsy-buttsy is a limit for me."

6. Tell each other about any relevant injuries or medical conditions.

"I have bad knees, so I can't kneel for long periods."

"I'm dealing with chronic pain, so I don't want to physically hold you down. I can cuff you ahead of time if you like to struggle."

7. Talk through what you'd like to do together.

Come up with a list of activities that's good for both of you. You don't have to outline the whole scene if you don't want to, but you should both have some idea of what to expect.

8. Establish whether surprises are okay.

Before you start playing, ask your partner if you can do something that they haven't explicitly okayed, as long as it isn't one of their limits. (For instance, you might decide in the middle of a scene that it's the perfect time to bite your partner's ear, but you never discussed biting.) If they say no, then anything you haven't negotiated is off the table.

"All opposed to surprise pony play say 'neigh.'""I said yes to the riding crop, but I did not agree to the painfully bad jokes."

9. Check your assumptions.

Do you always have sex with your play partners? Do you always kiss them? Do you always call them sir? Or slut? Do you always give them orders? Do you always punish disobedience? Think through what you expect in a play encounter, and then ask about every element of it, even the ones that you think you can take for granted.

10. Set up safe words, and make sure you both know what they mean.

Choose a word that means "stop" that won't come up in another context. This is really useful for situations in which "Ow, shit, you sick motherfucker!" can mean "You push my buttons in all the right ways."

Many people use the stoplight system, in which "red" usually means "stop everything" and yellow can mean a few things, including "stop that specific thing you're doing," "check in with me," or "I'm almost ready to stop, so start winding it down." You can see how confusing (and potentially upsetting) it would be if you said "yellow" meaning "let's stop and deal with the fact that this cuff is digging painfully into my ankle," and your partner thought that you meant "I'll be ready to stop in a few minutes," and kept going.

11. Decide what you'd like aftercare to look like.

Unless you've both agreed otherwise, it's just common decency to take care of the person you've just been spanking. BDSM requires a lot of trust on both sides, and many people find themselves physically and mentally drained afterwards (often in a good way, like when you've just finished a long run or a satisfying and demanding project). It's extra nice to establish ahead of time what the receiving partner might like afterwards, and to have any relevant materials on hand: a soft blanket, for instance, or a snack. Some people like to be cuddled, and some prefer to be left alone to regroup for a minute. Your partner might want to be praised for how well he took his punishment, or she might like you to tell her a bad joke in order to bring her back to reality. Just ask.

"We're gonna aftercare like we just don't care."

12. Remember: negotiation can be sexy.

You are talking about what you want to do to each other. How is that not foreplay?