THIS ENTRY WAS POSTED ON October 1, 2020 BY Sarah Tomchesson.

“How do I want to embody my Dominance or my submission?”

The politics of kink, and the interplay of our personal identities and sexualities is a personal dialogue Mistress Mary, my co-teacher, and I have been having as sex educators for years. Over the last year, themes and questions that came up more and more in our conversations centered on power and privilege. Are we still feeling empowered by the fantasies that excited our younger selves? When does it feel good to lean into versus subvert traditional power dynamics in play? How do you know if you’ve tapped into your authentic erotic voice or if you’re driven by your partners’ fantasy or society’s/culture’s idea of how someone in your identity “should” be sexy?

These conversations have been a great reminder for me that our sexuality and desires are constantly evolving and that, like all things, our sexual journey is a process that does not have an end point. Rather, our sexual selves have to change and grow in order to thrive. It is from these conversations that our From Negotiation to Impact: Creating Meaningful D/s Dynamics workshop series was born!

One's sexual journey is a process.

The goal of this series is to help those with little to no kink experience be able to identify their fantasies, negotiate them with a partner, and gain the hands-on skills needed to confidently explore power dynamics and kink scenes. For more advanced players, the series aims to help participants evaluate the roles they embody in their play, how their personal identities inform their sexual identities, and to dive deeply into the root of fantasies to better understand them, get kinkier with them, and create more nuanced dynamics with play partners.

The starting point of the series, and a great starting point for crafting any meaningful D/s dynamic, is to do some self-reflection. A great question to ask yourself is “How do I want to embody my Dominance or my submission?”

IDENTIFYING YOUR PERSONAL DOM/sub STYLE

Mistress Mary’s signature exercise for thinking about how to embody a Dominant or submissive stance that is authentic to you is to think about your Dom/sub icon. For instance, as a Dom are you more of a Grace Jones or a Beyoncé? Ripley from Aliens, or Tyler Durden from Fight Club? As a sub, are you more of a Marilyn Monroe or a Gomez Addams? Magic Mike, or Harlequin? There are so many great icons you can think up!

What kind of Dom are you?

This method of reflecting on and embodying your Dominant or submissive energy is more nuanced than thinking about energy exchange within a defined role like teacher/student, or daddy/little girl or boi. For instance, a Grace Jones Dom may source their power through gender exploration, performativity, costumery, and use their physicality to keep their submissive on their toes, slightly intimidated and overpowered. A Beyoncé Dom, on the other hand, may use similar building blocks to a different effect. A Beyoncé Dom earns your total worship and wields their femininity, voice, costumery, and physical presence to gain your affection, amazement, and awe. Similarly, a Marilyn Monroe style sub may play up their sensuality, naughty sweetness, and coyly seek attention as their means of showing devotion. Meanwhile, a Gomez Addams sub also wants to show their devotion, but would likely dote on their Dom, eagerly accept any and all service duties and heap on praise in order to show how devoted they are.

What kind of sub are you?

When you break down the energy you want to give and receive in your play in this way, it can help you not only find your authentic, kinky self, but also identify the kinds of partners you should play with. If I were a kinky matchmaker, I would love to pair a Gomez Addams sub with a Beyoncé Dom to receive the kind of worship they truly deserve!

YOUR KINKY TOOLBOX

Tools of the trade.

In addition to thinking about how you like to give and receive energy and power in your play, it can also be helpful to develop a toolbox that supports you. Think about what you have to work with as a Dom/sub – your body, how you carry yourself, your voice, the language you use, your clothing, props, etc. Do you dominate by barking commands sternly and often or do you use your words sparingly and only whisper your orders when you do? Perhaps your subs are not worth the breath it takes to utter a command and instead you point and direct with your finger or crop and roll your eyes in disappointment regularly because of the inherent inferior nature of your playmates. Do you wear heals or boots to stomp around (or on) your subs? Are there articles of clothing that help with your posture? Perhaps you wear sexy undergarments that only get revealed if your submissive is really well-behaved.

What is your Dom style?

As a sub, do you find that being on the floor or on your knees helps you get into sub space? In that case, let your play partner know that you need to start all scenes there! Does it help you to feel submissive if you keep your eyes down? Do you speak in a meek voice and stutter on your words or are you bratty, defiant and mock your Dom every time they speak?

Playful defiance.

Do you wear a collar to symbolize your submission, a buttoned up ensemble with glasses, or nothing at all? Identifying a Dom/sub style or icon that you want to emulate AND finding all the tools that will help you to embody and explore that energy stance can help you break out of stale dynamics in your play.

What is your sub style?

Here is a great exercise is to describe your Dom/sub style. Start with a few adjectives, then identify what clothing, body language, ways of speaking, words to use, and actions you can take that will make you feel your most Dominant or submissive. Once you have some ideas, try writing a paragraph describing your Dom/sub self. As an example:

“I am a Dominant who is assertive, seductive, and wants to be worshipped. I wear heels and red lipstick to feel sexy / leather and boots to feel empowered. I like to stand tall and look down at my subs while holding a crop. I like to give rewards for good behavior, such as the opportunity to touch me. I give orders softly and inflict pain sparingly. I plan out my scenes carefully and with great detail. I excite my subs with slow pacing and sporadic peaks of intensity.”

Your Dom/sub style. Write it down. Visualize.

Once you have the building blocks in place for asserting your Dominance or giving your submission in play, you’re able to enter into more meaningful negotiations with play partners and engage in nuanced scene exploration!

TOOLS OF THE TRADE

Below are a few recommended basics to start your kink collection. Click here to see more of our favorite toolbox essentials, no matter where you are on the kink spectrum.

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