THIS ENTRY WAS POSTED ON September 7, 2023 BY Robin Jennings.
Consensual AF
Before we go anywhere we need to make sure our safety belts are fastened and our tray tables are up. In the Kink world we do this with explicit and honorable CONSENT. The definition of Consent has changed over the years and will continue to change. To stay ethical in the bedroom and in the dungeon, it’s important to stay up to date on the current definition of consensual play. Consent is no longer just the absence of “NO”.
Consent is:
Reversible
Consent can be withdrawn at any time for any reason. It is not a one-time agreement that we’re bound to. All participants have the right to change their minds, set new boundaries, and withdraw consent without having to justify or explain themselves.
Informed
Consent requires all participants to know what they’re getting into. Everyone involved has a clear understanding of the activities they’re participating in, the potential risks, as well as the boundaries or limitations set by all participants.
Voluntary
Consent is free of coercion, pressure, manipulation, obligation, or force. It is a choice made by each participant without feeling obligated or required to play.
Embodied
Consent should be expressed with genuine willingness and a whole-body “Yes!” It means actively and eagerly participating in the agreed-upon activities, rather than going along with them reluctantly.
Requires Clear, Active Communication
Communication should be clear and explicit before, during and after play, including the use of negotiation, safe words or signals, and check-ins throughout the Kink experience.
Minors, as well as intoxicated, unconscious or mentally or emotionally incapacitated persons cannot give consent and therefore, should not be involved in BDSM or sexual activity with others.
Negotiate Negotiate Negotiate
Negotiation is Consent’s soul mate. They complete each other’s sentences and always show up at the party together. In fact, negotiation and consent often happen at the same time. Negotiation in a Kink context is the nuanced art of laying out what your interests and boundaries are, actively listening to your play partner’s interests and boundaries, and then combining the two to make a powerful scene together.
Investigate your dynamic with your play partner by telling them what is tantalizing about the roles you take on during play. Is someone more Dominant? Why type of Domination does it for you? How do you like to show your submission and devotion. Brainstorm together on how this dynamic can be emphasized during play. Include in your negotiations any physical limitations, emotional triggers, and preferred aftercare.
Special Note: Bondage has had a long and abusive presence in human history and continues to be used as a tool of oppression today. It’s important to take this context into consideration when playing with others. Bondage scenarios that include themes around law enforcement, slavery, and rape may be understandably triggering for some. Include questions about boundaries around theme, language, and implements in your negotiations before engaging in bondage play to keep it fun and not traumatic!
What is Bondage Anyway?
The basic definition of Bondage is simply the act of one person restraining another as part of kinky play. Tools, like ropes, handcuffs, chains, straps, or other devices, can be used to restrict movement, create a sense of vulnerability, and build trust between play partners. Bondage can look like being restrained with rope or cuffs, but it can also refer to the sexual bondage of a chastity device or the mental/emotional bondage of a collared submissive.
So why are people into Bondage?!
Bondage is a Kink tool that can be used in a wide variety of ways. So, what Bondage does or means will vary from one person to the next. Commonly Bondage is used to create a sense of vulnerability and trust that depends on power dynamics and connection. Bondage is a great way to let go and just receive. Bondage is a way to show trust and devotion. Bondage can give you a nice squeeze, like a rope hug, soothing the nervous system with pressure points. Some use Bondage to make their point or “teach a lesson” to naughty subs. Bondage can be a gift or a punishment or even art. Bondage is a tool that can enhance and deepen your play depending on how you utilize it.
Safety First!
Bondage is all fun and games until someone gets hurt! Here are a few precautions to take when playing with restraints.
Quick Release
Make sure your restraints can be removed quickly. You don’t want to be struggling with knots when there’s an earthquake or a panic attack. Keep safety scissors close at hand when binding with ropes, scarves or straps. Clip cuffs to hardware with quick-release carabiners and always have keys to handcuffs and locks easily accessible.
Circulation & Nerve Damage
Restriction around the body’s extremities, especially the wrists, can result in numbness, tingling, and even nerve damage. When restraining with rope, cuffs, zip ties, or any other device, you should be able to easily put two fingers between their body and the restraint. This typically gives enough room for proper circulation without allowing them to “escape”. Keep knots off of joints and veins. For example, the knot of a handcuff tie will be between the hands, not on the wrists themselves.
Cuffs made of metal, like traditional law enforcement handcuffs, can cause bruising and nerve damage. Rough play and putting weight onto cuffed wrists is unsafe. Only use metal handcuffs with a double lock that ensures the cuff will not go unexpectedly tighter.
Check in with your bound partner regularly throughout play. Check that their bound body part isn’t turning cold or changing color. Ask if they are feeling numbness, tingling, or discomfort. Bondage does not need to be uncomfortable (unless that’s your thing). If you are bound, let your Top know when you feel numbness, tingling, or discomfort.
Rope Burn & Rope Lash
Don’t ruin the moment by pulling your rope through the knot so fast that you burn your bottom’s skin and then whip them in the face with the rope’s end. It’s a real mood killer. Instead, take your time when pulling rope through. Be aware of your rope ends. Rope made of organic materials, like jute, hemp, or cotton, have a MUCH lower burn rate. Nylon ropes, like the ones you get at the hardware store, will light you up!
Types of Bondage
Bondage can be expressed in a variety of ways, including physically with restraints, emotionally with servitude and devotion, and psychologically with symbolic restraints, like chastity devices or collars. Today we’ll focus on types of physical restraints.
Repurposed Restraints
Put your Kinky colored glasses on and you’ll notice you’re surrounded by potential Kinky implements and restraints. We love a Masc Dom binding us to the bedpost with their necktie or a High Femme seductively removing their stockings only to tie us to the chair with them. Look around and get creative! Maybe you have a long scarf or leather belt that will get the job done. Zip ties are often fetishized and used in bondage play. Take care to not zip too tight. The thin, rigid material can easily cut off circulation or cause nerve damage. Always keep scissors nearby for quick release and check in that their hands are not cold or changing color.
Bondage Tape
Bondage Tape is great if you like your bondage quick and dirty. Bondage tape has no adhesive and adheres only to itself via static electricity. So, while you cannot use Bondage Tape to tape someone’s mouth shut (unless you wrap it all the way around their head) but it is great for quickly binding things together. For example you could wrap the tape around wrists to make cuffs or wrap forearms to the armrests of a chair or wrap around the arms and body to make a straitjacket. It’s quick and easy and won’t stick to skin or pull out hair! Just make sure to have scissors close at hand for quick release and don’t wrap too tight. You can also use your kitchen’s plastic wrap to similar effect. In fact, these two are often used in mummification, an extreme form of bondage that renders the entire body immobile.
Handcuffs
Metal, law enforcement style handcuffs are often what Bondage newbies gravitate towards but honestly, they are not the best choice for beginners. Unless your role play or fetish depends on the inclusion of handcuffs, my suggestion would be to go for more comfortable leather or nylon cuffs. Even novelty fur lined cuffs can be painful or harmful to delicate wrists with even mild struggle or activity. If you really just want the cuffs then please be my guest but play gently with them. They are not made for the comfort of the wearer. Additionally, handcuffs come with a very loaded symbolic history of oppression and violence. Make sure to check in with your play partner’s comfort level with handcuffs before whipping them out.
Bondage Cuffs
Unlike metal handcuffs, Bondage Cuffs are created for Kink. They take the comfort of the wearer into consideration, are usually relatively easy to take on and off, and often come equipped with hardware for easy tie downs. Bondage cuffs come in leather, vegan leather, PVC, rubber, nylon, and many other materials. You can get them fur lined, with lace frills, bright colors, or traditional black. You’re sure to find a good pair to suit your personality. Bondage Cuffs are a great way to start your Bondage journey in a safe way with a relatively low investment and no learning curve.
Rope
Ah, finally we get to Rope! For the Bondage connoisseur and the daring newbie alike, Rope holds a special mystique in the Kink world. Some have a fetish for the look, smell, and feel of rope. Some crave the soothing “hug” of Rope Bondage while others use it as a creative medium to make sensual artwork. But it doesn’t have to be complicated. Others like how a quick and dirty rope tie boosts their role play or power dynamic. Whatever draws you to Rope, learning just a few basic knots and ties will help you get creative and confident in your Bondage scenes.
Rope 101
Pick Your Rope
First thing is get your equipment. Not all rope is made for bondage. A few things you’ll want to look out for when selecting rope is the look, feel, material, rope burn rate, stretch, and bend ability.
Natural Fiber
Jute and Hemp are top of the line Bondage rope materials. They can be dyed in a variety of colors and you can condition them to get very soft. You cannot burn the ends to keep them from fraying if you cut them but you can knot the ends or whip (sew) them. Jute and Hemp are not stretchy, which is good for the sub’s circulation and makes knots easier to untie. Natural fiber ropes bend very easily, making them great for basic to elaborate knots. Cotton rope, usually clothesline rope, tends to be a little stretchy, making it very frustrating to untie knots and is typically pretty thin, making it more likely to cut off circulation.
Synthetic Fiber
Nylon and other synthetic ropes tend to rope burn easily and are often not nearly as flexible as natural fiber ropes, making knots clunky. The best part of a nylon rope is if you cut it, you can burn the ends to stop them from fraying. This is not to say you cannot use synthetic ropes. Just be aware of the plusses and minuses of different types of rope.
 Unicorn Bondage Rope |  Japanese Style Rope |  Nylon Rope |
Knots and Ties
Once you master a few simple knots and ties, you’ll be able to apply your skill creatively in your Kinky scenes. The knots and ties below can be applied to different body parts and objects limited only by your imagination.
Basic Knots
Square Knot
The square knot is well known and often used. It’s the knot you use to tie your shoes and in bondage it can be used when securing or “tying off” your rope tie.
Lark’s Head Knot
Pull the two ends through the loop. TaaDaa, you have a Lark’s Head.
Single Rope Cuff
Start with a Lark’s Head Knot around one wrist and pull the ends, tightening the rope around the wrist. Wrap around the wrist 1 to 2 more times in the opposite direction. Wrap somewhat loosely. The cuff will get tighter as we continue.
Pull the 2 pieces of rope under the wrap to make a loop. Now pull the two tails through the loop. You can tie the tails to something else, like a bedpost. Make sure you can fit two fingers between the rope and skin. Retie if it’s too tight.
Double Rope Cuff
Start with a Lark’s Head Knot wrapping around two wrists this time and pull the ends in the opposite direction, tightening the rope around the wrists. Palms should be facing each other for this tie and the knot will be between the wrists, not resting on the skin. Wrap around the wrists 1 to 2 more times. Wrap somewhat loosely as the restraint will get tighter as we go.
Pull the 2 pieces of rope under the wrap, between the wrists to make a loop. Now, pull the two ends through the loop.
Wrap 1 to 2 times between the wrists, perpendicular to the wrap around the wrists. Make another Lark’s head loop under the wrap between the wrists and pull the tails through. You can now tie off your rope cuffs with a square knot and lead them around by the tails or tie the tails to an object. Fun!
Serving Bondage
Now that you know so much about Bondage, how are you going to integrate this knowledge into your Kinky sex life? Well, that all depends on you and your partner(s). Bondage can be used in a variety of ways and enhances many forms of Kink play. Use negotiation to identify common desires and complementary dynamics. You can use Bondage to intensify your sensation play. It can also serve as a means of power exchange, where one person takes control over the bound individual, emphasizing dominance and submission dynamics. Bondage can be utilized in role-playing as a prop in a devious plot. It can be a way to show devotion, like with a bound submissive attempting to do chores while bound. Use Bondage as a tool to express your fantasies, desires, and creativity.
Whatever kind of Bondage you end up getting into, remember to always play safe, play consensually, and stay curious!
Robin Jennings (aka Mistress Mary) is a seasoned Pleasure Educator and co-host of the Fuck Yeah podcast. She’s a feminist, artist, and former Pro-Domme with a penchant for sexual liberation and free form gender expression. You can find her on IG and Tiktok @fuckyeahpod.