Dirty Talk as Sensual Communication

There are a lot of preconceived ideas and assumptions about what Dirty Talk is and is not. Porn can often paint Dirty Talk in one particular style, but in reality, there are so many different types of dirty talking you can explore with yourself and your partner(s).

Steph Zapata describes dirty talk simply as communicating because communication is self advocacy. Through dirty talk, we are advocating for our pleasure, our desires, for our needs, and our wants to be met.

Healing Through Communication

When we start to advocate for our wants and needs, our nervous system can activate. Heart race increases, breathing changes, face/body flushes with blood, anxiety & nervousness (butterflies in your stomach), mind races & intrusive thoughts, self-doubt/criticism, etc. Just because we experience these feelings, does not mean we cannot do this. You can do this!

When you become activated before dirty talk, recognize that this is an invitation to notice and return to breath. Scan your body, acknowledge what is happening, request a pause/shift/break, use laughter to relax, and create an anchor through affirmation.

It is important to remember that dirty talk is NOT about embodying perfection or getting it right. Instead, try to embrace playfulness, vulnerability, and safety in discomfort. This is an essential part of building your confidence with dirty talk.

Types of Dirty Talk

Steph likes to first break down the dirty talk practice by delving into delivery. There are multiple elements to consider: tone, speed, elongation, and body language. Consider the difference between saying “How does it taste?” when you think something is disgusting versus when you are talking to a lover who is going down on you. It’s not just what we say, but how we say it.

Dirty talk can be organized into five distinct categories: Narration, Instruction, Offer, Request, and Boundary. And do not forget that sounds also count as a form of dirty talk! When we are struggling to find the words, just moan and groan.

Do you want to go deeper? Steph flushes out each type of dirty talk so you can really find your sweet spot.

Narration

Tell us what is happening. Use all 5 senses!

Narration is typically the easiest and most accessible type of dirty talk because all you have to do is state what is happening. Within the category of narration, there are different subcategories like setting the stage/scene, sharing a physiological response, or describing a sensation or emotion. Here are some examples of each:

Set the Stage/Scene

• I’ve been waiting for you
• I really want to kiss you
• Look at you, with your legs spread
• I drooled onto your pussy/cock
• I won’t stop
• So eager to please
• I couldn’t stop thinking of your perfect mouth

Physiological

• You’re/I’m so wet/hard
• Your clit/cock is throbbing
• My legs are shaking
• You have the biggest smile on your face while you do that
• I get so hard/excited/turned on listening to you
• Your breath is quickening…I wonder what that means
• Your smell turns me on so easily
• I can’t control the volume of my screams

Sensation or Emotion

• I’m so happy to see you
• You feel so wet
• I can feel your clit throbbing
• Can you feel my dick pulsating?
• This/you feels so good
• I missed you
• I’m so in love with you/this moment
• Your touch/tongue is like electricity
• I feel you everywhere all at once
• It feels so good, it’s hard to speak

Request 

I want this from you, Give or do this to me, Will you?, Please

Requests can relate to any behavior, act, toy, dialogue, etc. You can also request information or reassurance. When making a request during dirty talk, consider the direction of the ask.

• Will you allow me to do this to you?
• Can I kiss you?
• I’d love to hold your hand, would that be okay?
• Can I take control tonight? How do you feel about being my sub/bottoming (for me)?
• I’ve been dreaming about the sound of my flogger on your ass, is that something that speaks to you too?
• Can I spank you?
• Can we watch something fun together?
• I want to make you cum
• I’d love to see you on your knees.
• Will you do this to/for me? Give this to me?
• Hold me? Tell me you love me?
• Check in with your body/nervous system?
• Can you smack me harder?
• Will you scream my name?
• Tell me again.
• Cum for me?
• Will you show your gratitude on your knees?
• Please.
• Come over here
• Your lips look so enticing…Please kiss me.
• Look at me while you taste me.
• Show me how much you need/enjoy me.
• Tell me how powerful I am.
• Cum for me.
• I can’t wait to be inside you, please open up for me.

Instruction

I’m going to do this or I’m telling you to do this.

Instruction is not the same as a command. A command requires a negotiation of power dynamics, while an instruction is an expression of either wants/needs, do’s, or don’ts.

I want/need you to:

• To kiss me slowly
• Explore my mouth with yours
• On all fours when I get home
• To (mis)behave tonight
• Your mouth now
• To scream/let everyone hear you
• Give in to your pleasure
• Inside me
• Wrapped around me/my dick/fingers

Do:

• Show me how you like to be touched.
• It feels so good when you do that with your tongue
• Just like that: You’re fucking perfect
• Keep going: Fuck, this/you feel incredible
• Faster: Show me how badly you need me
• Slower: Take your time with me. I want to feel every stroke/inch
• Keep your eyes on me while I slide inside you
• Say that/tell me again
• Louder

Don’t:

• Don’t stop
• Don’t move an inch
• You know what happens if you talk back
• Don’t hold back- Let me/them hear you
• There’s no need to rush / Don’t be so greedy
• Don’t be so gentle: I can take more/harder

Offer

I want to give or do this to you

What do you want to offer to your lover or partner? An offer is an opportunity to show what you can give or receive.

I want to / I need / I’d love to:

• Taste you
• Be on my knees for you
• Feel you inside of me
• Give myself to you
• You can do whatever you want to me
• I’m yours
• Taste you on me tomorrow

Would you like:

• To sit closer to me?
• If I took my time with you?
• A taste?
• More of me/that?
• To keep going?
• Fuck me

I’m going to:

• Kiss and lick every curve of your body
• Tie you up and watch you squirm
• Trace your beautiful fucking lines with my tongue
• Kiss you until you’re dripping
• Cum for you

Boundary

No/and, Yes/and, Only in this way, Only until or when _

Always ask ongoing questions. You can express boundaries over text, voice notes, phone calls, etc. However you choose to communicate is up to you, as long as you and your partner(s) boundaries are part of your dirty talk practice.

Seeking:

• How do you feel about sexting/nudes?
• You look like you’re enjoying yourself…how can I make it even better?
• What are your safe words/gestures?
• How would you like our play/scene to start? How will I know you’re ready to progress?
• Where do you want me to cum?
• Where can I mark you/in what ways?
• You look so good on your knees/spread wide, how do you feel?
• I’m ready to pick up the pace, how would you feel if I went faster/harder?
• We’ve been playing for a while…want to take a water/snack break?
• What does intense pleasure look like for you?
• When you squirm like that, what does it mean?

Giving:

• I can take more
• Set an alarm so we can get lost in each other
• I want to keep going
• Use these words to tell me how powerful /pretty/amazing I am
• I need more of you
• Now I’m ready to taste you/have you inside me
• Cum inside me/on my face/tits/stomach
• I know my safe words, keep going
• If I haven’t used my safe word, don’t stop
• I don’t want to make any decisions about how we play tonight, I’m open to everything
• Remember my hip locks after too long on top

Integration is Everything

Time to integrate these types of dirty talk into your personal style! Are you trying to embody romance or power play? What names or honorifics do you want to use? How can you utilize “my” or “yours” to express your desires within the relationship or dynamic? Integrating these details can help bring your dirty talk to life.

Affirmation (Praise, gratitude, and reassurance)

• You look/feel/sound/taste so fucking delicious
• Can you see/feel how badly I want you / how much I’ve missed you?
• I love being yours/here with you/touching you/feeling your skin on mine
• It fills me up to watch you give so much of yourself to me / lose yourself in pleasure
• I feel so lucky that I get to love/taste/play with you
• You look so fucking hot
• I’m so proud of you / Are you proud of me?
• You’re doing so fucking well
• Everything you do feels incredible
• I can’t believe I get to have you

Emotion / Romance

• There’s nowhere I’d rather be than right here/playing with you/inside you/gripping you/devouring you
• I’m so sorry I didn’t check-in before I moved/sped up. How are you doing?
• You fucked me so well, I completely forgot to use our check-in system, but I feel so satisfied
• I love you
• I feel so powerful with you on top/underneath/inside/squeezing me
• You look so happy/pleased right now
• I’ve never wanted/loved you more
• You deserve it all
• I love laughing with you

Fantasy / Worship / Ego Stroke

• I’m yours/you’re mine.
• I belong to you. You belong to me.
• I want to serve you.
• Take what you want.
• How does it feel to be mine?
• All I want is to satisfy all of your needs tonight.
• It seems like you enjoy when I touch you there…Am I right? Answer me.
• I can’t wait to be tied up, underneath you.
• Fuck, I love how delicate and open you are.
• I promise I’ll keep cumming for you if you keep fucking me just like that.

Challenge / Power Play

• Come here and taste yourself off of me, now.
• You can do whatever you want to me.
• Keep cumming for me. I want to taste you on me tomorrow.
• I can’t hear you. Louder.
• I don’t want to hear you.
• This is about my pleasure, not yours. Or do I need to stop to remind you?
• Beg for it. Say please.
• Show me how bad you are.
• Take it like only you can.
• What are you gonna do if I stop?

Affectionate Names / Honorifics

• Baby
• Amor
• Love
• Sexy
• Handsome
• Slut
• My Love
• Daddy/Papi
• Mommy/Mami
• King/Queen/Princess/Prince
• Sir/Sire/Ma’am/Th’am
• Toy / Sex Toy / Play Thing
• A / My / Yours
• Daddy or My Daddy
• A dirty slut or Your dirty slut
• Bad girl or My bad girl
• Delicious fuck toy or Delicious fuck toy just for me.
• Hard or Hard for/because of me
• So wet or So wet for me
• Excited (to play/serve) or Excited to serve me / Eager to play with me.
• My pussy is so wet or this pussy is so wet for you
• My dick is aching or this dick is aching to be inside you

Inspiration is All Around Us

The truth is that talking dirty is actually really scary! But before you freak out, remember that there is plenty of material to pull from right at your fingertips. Steph encourages you to use your favorite sexy music, kinky memes, hot scenes from movies or TV shows, etc. to inspire your dirty talk. Even though we mentioned in the beginning that porn does not accurately portray all types of dirty talk, there may be certain videos that help you find the words or phrases you like.

When you listen to that classic R&B song, try to listen with more intention. What parts of the lyrics are you drawn to? If you are trying to communicate to your crush a want or a need, but you want to keep it light and playful, find a meme that helps you express yourself. These are all valid forms of communication!

The world is a dirty place, full of hot sexy inspiration, you just need to tune in.

Final Words of Advice

Are you sweating as much as we are? Before you go get your dirty talk on, Steph has some final words of advice.

Do:

• Ground yourself
• Plan ahead for aftercare
• Plan ahead in conversation - be honest!
• Try solo first
• Try different modalities (voice note, writing, music, mirror talk)
• Practice giving and receiving “No,” and other redirections
• Laugh at yourself

Don’t:

• Mirror porn
• Go into power, control, or degradation without having a conversation and receiving consent first
• Try to be perfect or get it “right”
• Skip the pre & de briefs
• Criticize or pathologize yourself
• Give up on your advocacy
• Remember that communication is self advocacy! You deserve to ask for what you want.

Looking to learn more? Check out these books for more guidance:

Hot and Unbothered

Smart Sex

Shameless Sex

Need inspiration? Read some erotica:

Gotta Have It

Steambath

Best Lesbian Erotica

Still not sure where to start? Play a sexy game!

Cosmos Kinky Sex Games

Sex Talk Card Game

Sex Checks

And if you want to stay in touch with Steph Zapata, you can follow them on Instagram at @risewsteph.

Jamie Joy (they/them) is a queer trans Jewish sex educator and hungry slut for freaky fantasies and kinky perversions. Their life and work is committed to spreading joy, pleasure, and consent through community organizing. As a triple fire sign Sagittarius, Jamie Joy is passionate about dancing while eating, playing sadistically with flaming floggers, and teaching people about the wonders of anal fisting. They are always excited to connect with new friends; you can find them on Instagram @badjewboy or email them at jamiejoyeducation@gmail.com.