Healing Sexual Shame

Getting Over Masturbation Shame

Listen, I know a thing or two about masturbation shame myself. What I am about to share with you is something that I have tried to bury deep within my subconscious, but I think that the more I talk about it, the less power it has over me. So, as I take a deep breath while writing this... here it goes...

One of the worst nights of my adolescent life

When I was 14 years old, I met a boy, let's call him Alex, at a concert. He was 14 years old, did drugs, hung out with a greaser crew, and was such a bad boy. He is the first person in my life that awoken my sexual desires and the first person I ever did anything with consensually.

We would talk on the phone for hours, sometimes falling asleep on the phone at 3am. It was young puppy love and I was smitten. Well, one night, things got hot and heavy over the phone and we began to have phone sex. I began touching myself to his voice telling me all of the things he would do to me. Out of nowhere, I suddenly felt an overwhelming sensation all over my body, I began to convulse and shake. I felt like I entered a vortex where my body took over and I couldn't control it. It was pure ecstasy.

"Something weird just happened! OMG, what was that?!" I exclaimed. "You came, silly." Alex told me. "Wow! I want to do that again!" We both laughed and I felt a combination of confusion and excitement.

Every day, I couldn't wait to get on the phone with him again and get to that place of pure bliss. It was so exciting! It wasn't something I was supposed to do as a "good catholic girl" which made it even more enticing. He was "bad" and I was so into it. It was the first time in my life I felt like I had a ticket into a world I was so curious about, but had never been exposed to.

One night, we were on the phone like we usually were and things began to get sexy again. I was whispering under the covers on my bed, moaning softly, touching myself as Alex told me everything he wanted to do to me again. Suddenly, there is a very loud knock on the door and I hear my brother yelling angrily at me, "OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR, JOCELYN! WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN THERE! OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR!" I get scared and couldn't move. Then, I see the door swing open as my angry brother storms in and forcibly grabs the phone from my hand. He starts to yell at Alex. "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU, YOU LITTLE FUCKING PERVERT! LEAVE MY SISTER ALONE OR I WILL KICK YOUR ASS!"

My parents wake up confused and worried. My brother gives them my phone and tells them, "Look at what your precious little daughter is up to! She was having phone sex with someone on her phone!"

My mom looks at me with disappointment in her eyes. I look back at her with shame in mine. She grabs my phone and tells me that I am forbidden to talk to Alex. She changes my number and never mentions this to me again.

I was laying in bed ashamed, angry, humiliated. What the fuck just happened?!

I think the most confusing part for my 14 year old self was feeling like I hadn't done anything wrong. He was 14, I was 14. He liked me, I liked him. We were both young teenagers exploring our sexuality together.

Later, I remember my brother told me to be careful because Alex could have been with his friends showing them our phone call, but I knew that Alex wouldn't do that. How did I know? Because I know that those moments were as precious for him as they were for me...

I know now that my brother and parents meant well. That they thought they were protecting me from harm and didn't want me to get hurt. Did they go about it the right way? Absolutely not! But, as an adult, I understand their motives. As I am writing this, I can feel the pain my little self felt and it truly feels like I am shedding layers of shame at this very moment. Thank you for being here for the ride.

After this night, every time I would want to touch myself, I felt horrible. Like I was doing something terribly wrong. I would imagine Jesus, Mary, Joseph, all of the saints, and my family members who have passed watching me, shaking their heads with judgment. It was awful.

I have done so much work within myself to eradicate this shame and turn it into pure PRIDE, PLEASURE, EXCITEMENT. I thought I had fully healed from this until about 2 years ago when I was in my apartment alone, I began touching myself and noticed that the sheets were completely pulled over my body. Who the hell was I hiding my body from?! I lived alone! I realized that there was still work to do, and so I did it!

From shame to PRIDE, PLEASURE, EXCITEMENT!

Here are a few things that I did to continue to heal my shame around masturbation and my hope is that they work for you too! As I write this on October 26, 2023, I can whole-heartedly say I no longer feel shame to touch myself. On the contrary... masturbation has become my favorite form of self care! So, this is what I did...

1. See your body | Feel your body

The first thing I did was STOP covering myself during masturbation. I either wore something sexy or was completely naked, and I made sure to not pull any covers over me so as to cover my beautiful body!

Wanna take it one step further?

Look in the mirror. Watching yourself touch yourself can be a highly erotic experience and allows you to learn more about how you like being touched. This information is helpful for you and for every partner you choose to engage with.

2. Set the mood

What's the setting you're in? Does it turn you on? If the answer is no, change that! Tidy up your space, light candles, play soft, relaxing music, wear something that makes you feel HOT! Where you are when you engage in this play as you are working towards full embodied empowerment is VERY important to feel your ABSOLUTE BEST!

3. Breathe | Relax

Breathe in from your nose, expand your belly and your lungs on the inhale, and breathe out from your mouth contracting your belly on the exhale. Taking deep breaths will signal to your nervous system that you are safe and there is nothing to be worried about or afraid of.

4. Set an Intention

What is the purpose of your self-pleasure experience? Some examples of intentions-

●To connect more deeply with myself

●To have an orgasm

●To learn about what I like

●To have fun!

●To relieve some stress

●Because I am horny AF!

Whatever it may be, setting an intention can help you feel focused and centered.

5. Get lost in the pleasure

This is perhaps the most challenging part of healing your masturbation practices for most people. Telling your mind to shut the f*** up! This is where you get to be creative and indulge in things that turn you on so that your mind and body are FULLY engaged.

Some examples of ways you can get LOST in the pleasure-

●Watch pornography (My favorite porn site made by women for women - Bellesa)

●Read erotica

●Listen to sexy audios (My favorite app for sexy-time audios- Dipsea

●Drink a glass of red wine or smoke a joint. Indulging in a little recreational fun activities can help you feel calm and at ease

Always ensure that you give yourself a stimulus your body can respond to. Arousal doesn't come from thin air. We need to get into the ENERGY of sex through these different modalities.

6. GRATITUDE GRATITUDE GRATITUDE

Pleasure is your body's way of saying, "I love you."

Whenever you feel amazing, whether it be because you just got a massage, you feel the warmth of the hot water while you shower, or because you just had a kick ass orgasm, express APPRECIATION for your body for letting you feel pleasure.

Even if that pleasure only lasts 3 seconds, say THANK YOU for it!

After your masturbate, make it a point to say thank you to yourself and to your body for its ability to feel amazing. Gratitude will flip the script and help you focus on what is RIGHT instead of what is WRONG.

Pleasure is a gift we have been given in the lifetime. Don't take it for granted. 

Jocelyn Silva, MSW is a Sexual Empowerment Coach, Sex Educator, and part-time digital nomad. She supports individuals and couples of all genders, to heal their sexual shame and embrace their sexual essence fully to lead a pleasure-filled life. Her specialties include, but are not limited to communication counseling, body image, healing sexual shame and trauma, orgasm and pleasure coaching, LGBTQIA identities, polyamorous and open relationships.