THIS ENTRY WAS POSTED ON August 18, 2023 BY J. Carter.
So you wanna harness your power and strap up? Read on! If you’re looking for a post on harness play focused on product reviews and recommendations, check out So You Want to Strap Up: Strap-On Recommendations From Someone Who's Tried it All.
First and foremost, anyone of any gender identity, gender presentation, orientation, and body bits can engage in strap-on play, either as the Strapper (giving partner) or Strappee (receiving partner). Strap-on play can be kinky, or not: the Strapper might be a Dom/me or Top and the Strappee may identify as a sub or bottom… or not! While some folks may prefer one role or the other, some people identify as “vers” or as a “switch” who likes to do both depending on their mood, partner, dynamic or any number of other factors. Personally, I identity as both vers and a switch; I’ve banged and been banged by people of a variety of gender identities and orientations; and I have experience giving and receiving in many different kinds of holes.
Selecting a Strap
Harness. Strap. Strap-on. With so much variety and so many choices, it can be both fun and a little overwhelming to pick out a strap-on harness. It can also be intimidating if you’re not sure where to start. Here’s a list of questions to ask yourself when choosing a strap and why these are important considerations:
1. Is this an item I plan to share with a partner? How similar in size are we?
This is a big one. If you plan on sharing with a partner, then it’s probably best to choose a super adjustable, 2-strap style harness rather than an underwear style one. The SpareParts Joque comes in 2 sizes, A and B: size A adjusts at the waistband (which actually sits around high hip) from 20"-50" and the leg straps accommodate thighs from 10"-16" while size B fits waist sizes 35"-65" and thighs 14"-24". Similarly, the Aslan Jaguar styles (including the Steampunk) are highly adjustable. The S/M waist size adjusts from 26”-44” while the Large fits waist sizes 36”-56”, and the leg straps on both styles are very generous. The Jaguar also comes in a thong/G-string version, the Jaguar G.
If you don’t plan on sharing with a partner, then an underwear style can be a great option! The underwear styles from Strap-On-Me ( Diva and Rebel), Rodeoh (Brief and Boxer), and SpareParts (Tomboi,Tomboii, Sasha, and Bella) are incrementally sized, so unless you and a partner are the same size and body shape, there’s a good chance that sharing may not work out.
Adjustable Harnesses
 Spareparts Joque |
 Aslan Jaguar Harness |
 Strap-On-Me Curious Harness |
Underwear Harnesses
 Diva Harness |
 RodeoH Boxer Harness |
 Spareparts Boxer Brief Harness |
2. How do I want to feel in the strap?
Most folks want to feel sexy and powerful in a strap–I know I do! Then again, that can mean very different things to different people. If you’re into leather and looking for a more effeminate option, the Aslan Minx is a great option with its lace up “corset” back as is the Metallic Gold Low Rider if you want to feel flashy in the bedroom.
If you’re looking for something more toned down in leather, then one of the other Aslan styles or the Terra Firma can be a good option, but keep in mind that the Terra Firma does not have an opening/hold in the front plate so you won’t be able to use a double-ended dildo, strapless strap-on, or a base cover. Personally, I really love some of the new color options from Aslan as well as the color selection for the NYTC Leather Harness. As much as I love black and red, it’s nice to have teals/blues, purples, pinks and more available to choose from.
 Minx Double Strap Harness |
 Metallic Gold Harness |
 Terra Firma Harness |
3. How important is ease of cleanup? Do I want to be able to throw it in the wash, or do I not mind taking some more time to care for my harness?
Leather is amazing and sexy. It’s also a material that requires more care. If you go with a fabric option, then you can just throw it in the wash (though I’d recommend hanging your harness to dry as you would with athletic wear, underthings, etc. to better preserve the lifespan of the strap). When it comes to leather, you’ll want to take a damp cloth to remove any lube, bodily fluids, and the like from the surface of the material. Keep in mind that if it’s a colored leather, be careful when using leather conditioners or saddle soaps, which can lift the dye and/or discolor the leather over time depending on how it’s been treated. When it comes to leather, black won’t discolor or age strangely over time. If it’s a leather with a metallic finish, I don’t recommend using leather cleaning products on this type of surface treatment.
4. Do I plan on using this with a strapless strap-on/double-ended dildo or a base cover?
If you think that you might want to use a strapless strap-on or a double-ended dildo in your harness, then be sure to choose a harness with an opening/hole that goes all the way through. The same goes for using a base cover/bumper. A lot of folks find it difficult to use a “strapless” style without a harness, which will depend entirely on a person’s anatomy and muscle strength.
5. Might I end up using this strap with a toy that’s over 1.5”-2” in girth?
If you plan on using a dildo with a girth over 2” (which is what most underwear styles accommodate, as they have a fixed O-ring rather than one that can be swapped out), consider a strap that allows for interchangeable O-rings.
6. Do I want something that I can just slap on without much prep? Am I planning on using several dildos in a single session?
If so, then the Body Dock suction plate harnesses are a great choice! You can choose from the Dillio Body Dock or the King Cock Body Dock. Shimmy into that strap, stick the dildo on and you’re good to go! This is an especially good option if you plan on changing dildos several times in a session (ex: a smaller warmup dildo, a medium sized dildo, and then a larger toy). Rather than fussing with an O-ring, you can just pop one dildo off and stick another on. If a dildo doesn’t have a suction base, you can get a Double Sided Suction Cup.
 Dillio Body Dock Harness |
 Double Sided Suction Cup |
 Kink Cock Body Dock |
7. I am totally new to strap-on play: should I go big or go home and splurge on something fancy?
Honestly, I would say that splurging on your first harness if you’re not sure whether you’re going to like strap play is a bit of a gamble. It depends on how comfortable you are with potentially purchasing an item you may not use that often. If money is little to no object, then sure, go for it! Get a harness that checks every single box in terms of what you want: the aesthetic, the logistical usability, the material. If you’re trying to keep it economical, then consider an introductory item like the Playtime Neoprene Explorer Harness or consider an “all-in” kit like the Tantus Bend Over Beginner Kit, which includes a harness and two dildos!
 NYTC Playtime Harness |
 Pegasus Dildo and Harness |
 Tantus Bend Over Beginner Kit |
8. I’m a total pro and have a harness collection going–what else is out there for me to try?
If you haven’t tried some alternative harnesses, that’s a great place to start! There are harnesses for literally almost every part of the body: chin, chest, boot, hand, thigh. If you can think of it, someone has made it. Check out the Sportsheets Ultra Thigh or the Lickety Split Chin Harness!
Thrills for Dils
Choosing a dildo–whether you’re the Strapper or the Strappee–is as personal a choice as a harness, if not more so, and can involve more negotiation between the parties. Some Strappers want the dildo to feel like an extension of their own body in terms of realism, natural tone, and even the curvature. On the other hand, a Strappee might have an aversion to being penetrated by a realistic dil and want something non-realistic in terms of color and sculpt. Size, of course, is incredibly important in terms of length and girth for the Strappee. If the two parties want radically different things out of a dildo, some negotiation will be necessary! Being sensitive to one another’s desires and being willing to compromise is as important as consent when it comes to strap play. As in the scenario above, the Strapper might need to consent to a realistic sculpt but make a concession on the color if the Strappee isn’t comfortable with natural tones.
On a personal level, I had a long-standing aversion to natural tones as both a Strapper and a Strappee: for me, it felt uncomfortable to make a choice between skin tones because it made me feel like I was selecting a racial preference, and as someone who doesn’t have one it felt weird and gave me some anxiety. As such, I’ve mostly gravitated towards “fun colors” or black, though I have a handful of natural tones, as well. When being in the role of Strapper, I feel comfortable wearing a natural tone that is similar to my own; similarly, I don’t mind a Strapper who prefers a natural tone that resonates with their identity if I’m the Strappee.
When it comes to size, the Strappee really sets the parameters. Trying to convince a Strappee that they want to engage in strap play with a toy larger than they’re comfortable with, regardless of which hole you’re penetrating, is a recipe for failure. If you’re mostly a Strapper and don’t have a strong preference, it may be more comfortable to have a BYOD (Bring Your Own Dil) policy so there’s little to no question as to the receiving partner’s comfort. Alternatively, you may want to have dildos available in a number of sizes, sculpts and colors/tones to accommodate different Strappee’s preferences. That said, having a selection of dils for a receiving partner to pick from may not be feasible.
When it comes to picking a dildo, it’s important to consider the material, size, realism, color/tone, curve, and firmness. Here’s a few questions to help get you started, whether you’re a Strapper or Strappee:
1. What material should I choose?
We tend to categorize toy materials into two categories, porous and non-porous. When it comes to porous materials, we typically think of these as “one person, one hole” toys as they hold genetic material, bacteria, and can degrade and become more porous over time. Unless you plan on using an unlubricated condom over a porous dildo, I’d strongly recommend that you take the “one person, one hole” policy seriously. No one wants play to end with a bacterial infection! If it’s a toy you’d like to use with multiple partners or in multiple holes, then a non-porous material such as silicone is highly recommended. Non-porous materials (silicone, glass, steel) do not hold genetic material or bacteria, can be sterilized, and are very long-lasting so they’re worth the investment if you’re able to do so.
2. What size should I choose?
As mentioned above, it’s important to let the Strappee take the lead on the size. As the Strapper, you might be excited by the idea of someone taking a large toy, but if the Strappee doesn’t feel comfortable, it’s imperative that you defer to their size preference. For reference, dildos under 1” in diameter are considered beginner, 1.25”-1.75” would be in the average to intermediate range, and anything 2” and over is considered more advanced. Similarly, length is a very personal choice.
While it’s easier to engage in strap play with a slightly longer dildo–just so you aren’t right on top of the person–a Strappee may not want that. In that case, consider purchasing an item like the Ohnut Buffer Rings that will make it easier for the Strapper but also keep the Strappee from being penetrated deeper than desired.
3. How do I know what’s right for me in terms of how realistic or non-realistic a dildo is in sculpt and color/tone?
This is something only you can answer. No one else can tell you what’s most comfortable as either the Strapper or the Strappee.
4. What’s the right amount of curve and firmness?
While this can be as personal as the realism and color or tone of a dildo, there are some more practical issues related to usability when it comes to curve and firmness. A dildo that is too soft will make strap play difficult, especially for back hole play, but it can be an issue for front hole, as well. If you can easily fold the dildo almost in half with no resistance, it may be too soft for strap play. In terms of curvature and firmness, you will want a bit of a curve and something more firm if you’re hoping to stimulate the G-spot or P-spot.
If you want something that’s got more range, then consider a dildo that’s poseable in that the curvature can be changed and it will hold its shape. Some good options for poseable dildos are the Fun Factory Limba Flex (it comes in 3 sizes!), Strap-On-Me Dual Density Dildo and Bendable Strapless Strap-On Dildo styles, and the selection of NYTC dildos including the Shilo, Carter and Leroy.
 Limba Flex Posable Dildo |
 NYTC Shilo Dildo |
 Strapless Strap-On Dildo |
5. What’s the deal with strapless strap-ons? Are they really strapless?
Strapless strap-on dildos are a style of dildo that includes a classic dildo on one side and a “bulb” for the wearer to hang onto with their kegel muscles. While they’re meant to be used without a harness, a lot of folks don’t find this to be true. While a larger “bulb” on one end can help–as it will be easier to hold in with your kegel muscles than something small, much like kegel exercisers–and most are designed this way, it’s no guarantee. Whether you can hold one in will depend entirely on your muscle strength as well as your anatomy. Some great options, which you may or may not need to use with a harness, include the Fun Factory Share Lite and ShareVibe, Strap-On-Me 3 Motor and Multi Orgasm styles, and the Tantus options (Classic, Slim, Real, and Real Slim). and Don’t get frustrated if you need to use a harness with one! It’s more common than not.
 Fun Factory Share Lite |
 Multi-Orgasm Strapless Strap-On |
 Tantus Feeldoe |
Gimme, Gimme More: More Stimulation for both Strapper and Strappee
Just like Britney, sometimes we all want more. More stimulation, more versatility, more choices. If you’re already a pro or an intermediate strap player looking to up your game, there’s plenty of ways to do that!
Getting More as the Strapper
As a Strapper or Top, you may not be receiving as much stimulation as you’d like as the giving partner. If you’re open to shallow penetration, then a strapless strap-on can be a great choice, as many vibrate, can accommodate a bullet, or even have suction like the Multi Orgasm from Strap-On-Me. If you’re not open to penetration, a dildo that either has a built-in stimulation bumper base such as the VixSkin Mustang Royale or a separate base cover like the Lippi and Honeybunch from Banana Pants or Tribble from Pris are great options, especially since some base covers also take a bullet if you want some vibration.
 VixSkin Mustang Royale |
 Lippi Silicone Base |
 Tribble Grinder with Vibe Hole |
Getting More as the Strappee
Do you have a dildo that you absolutely love but wish vibrated? Try putting a vibrating cock ring like the Romp Juke, Fun Factory Nos or Je Joue Mio at the base of the dildo. Silicone is an excellent conductor and you’ll feel the vibration throughout the dildo; the degree to which you feel the vibration will depend on the strength of the cock ring’s motor. If you’re a penis owner, you may want to use a stroker such as the Romp Mosh during penetration or stimulate the perineum with a vibrator. If you’re not a penis owner and want to stimulate the clitoris, you’re also rich for choice: a small wand–like the Magic Wand Mini or Le Wand Petite–is a great option as is a bullet like the Femme Funn Ultra Bullet or a little hand held pebble vibe like the Je Joue Mimi Soft.
 Je Joue Mio Ring |
 Romp Mosh Stroker |
 Magic Wand Mini |
Lube: The Thicker, the Better
For a long time, I wasn’t a fan of thicker and more jelly-ish consistency lubes. I found them to be gloppy for PIV sex and it was a hard pass. However, as I got more into toys–and especially dildos and strap-on play–I realized the value of a nice, thick lube that doesn’t slide off a dildo. There’s nothing more irritating than going to squeeze or pour lube on a toy and literally having it run down the length of the dildo and pool at the bottom. Some of this will, of course, have to do with the toy because even a thicker lube will have a harder time clinging onto a very smooth surface. However, for the most part and especially when it comes to silicone toys, a thicker lube like the Sutil Rich or Sliquid Sassy will adhere nicely to the dil.
Do keep in mind that if you’re doing front hole/”vaginal” play, not all lubes–even water-based ones–are considered “vagina friendly.” If you’re engaging in front hole strap play with or as an AFAB person, we’d recommend staying away from lubes with glycerin in them. A lot of thicker, water-based anal lubes such as the Swiss Navy Anal Jelly will work super well for back hole/”anal” strap play, but as glycerin is the second ingredient listed in this lube, I wouldn’t recommend it for front hole play. Since thicker lubes can get a little sticky, it’s always nice to have some toy and body wipes next to the bed in case you need to wipe your hands.
The Strapee dictates how much lube is necessary. Let me say it again, for those in the back: as a Strapper, listen to your partner if they ask you to apply more lube and listen to their body if you’re feeling increasing resistance. At the risk of stating the obvious, some holes need more lube. The booty does not self-lubricate, and some vaginas don’t either. Trans femme and trans masc front holes/vaginas may require more lube. If your partner is asking for more lubrication, give it to them! Don’t be stingy!
 Sutil Rich |
 Sliquid Sassy |
 Swiss Navy Anal Jelly |
XL Toys: The Exception to the Rule
All hail the size kings and queens of the world! Being into or having a partner who is into XL toys is a bit of a different animal when it comes to strap play, though. If a toy is over 2” in girth, 10” in length, or is particularly heavy and cumbersome, there’s a good chance it won’t fit into a standard size harness. There are a handful of companies that make specialty, heavy duty harnesses meant to accommodate XL toys. Hankey’s Toys specializes in toys for size queens and kings and they carry the Carmen Rivera Strap-On Harness, which has a larger front base plate meant for large toys.
If you have a slightly larger toy but perhaps one that doesn’t require a special harness, there are a couple of options. If you have a harness where you can change out the O-rings, you can always go to the hardware store and buy large sized rubber rings (plumbing fittings) to match the diameter of the toy. I’ve done this a handful of times with one of my leather Aslan harnesses and it’s worked out well. Alternatively, if you or a partner have some tying skills, you can do a rope harness, though I’ve sometimes found this to be less comfortable.
Bodies are Weird!
Lezbehonest: we all know that bodies are weird. They do unpredictable and sometimes embarrassing things, especially during sex, even more so during strap play. Queefing and farting are pretty normal during or following strap play for a simple, obvious, anatomical reason: little pockets of air are being forced into and trapped inside the vaginal and/or rectal canals during penetration. If you’re the Strappee and this happens, try not to feel embarrassed. If you’re the Strapper, please be mindful of how you react to this. It’s okay for both parties to giggle a little, but remember not to shame the receiving partner. They just let you fuck them with a strap-on. You can deal with a little air being released from an orifice.
When it comes to anal (strap-on) play, messiness is an eventuality if you do it enough times. In fact, it might even happen the first time. You may be grossed out by the sight or smell of fecal matter, but it’s also important to be a kind and compassionate partner. Chances are that the Strappee/receiving partner is having some feelings about it. As someone who has been on both sides of this issue, the best way to handle the situation is to just be adults about it. It’s okay for either the Strapper or Strappee (or both!) to want to stop, clean up a little, and reset. Again, having wipes nearby can be great in these circumstances. My favorite wipes are the Swiss Navy ones. If it’s a bigger mess or if one partner gets particularly flustered, then it may be best to just stop.
J. Carter is a nonbinary, masc-of-center queer writer and creative in Los Angeles. They hold an MFA in screenwriting from USC and a BFA in Fine Art with a focus in photography from the School of the Museum of Fine Arts at Tufts. They have been an active member of the queer and kink communities in Los Angeles since 2018 and have been facilitating workshops on sex, kink, and pleasure since 2020.