Role Play Q & A

Role play is an incredibly accessible and versatile form of Kink. All you need is your imagination to have a good time, though outfits, props, toys, and exciting locations never hurt. It’s an invitation to play, be creative, and live out fantasies. On paper, role play seems like a very approachable form of Kink, but many people have a lot of anxiety about trying it out, especially for the first time. Certain questions and concerns about role play come up often and reflect common cultural worries that many of us share. So, today we’ll have a Role Play Q & A and hopefully calm some nerves and ignite some sexual creativity.

Question: I want to try role play but I’m worried I won’t be good at it, or my partner(s) will laugh at me. How can I try role play without looking silly?

It’s Okay to be Anxious

It’s hard to put yourself out there in sexual situations. You may want your partner(s) to view you in a particular way or your feelings for them may be so strong that your sense of embarrassment around them is very intense. Your anxiety is like a protective parent telling you to be careful, to not hurt yourself. So, if you have anxiety around trying role play, you may feel a little frozen when trying to navigate the safest way to show your sexually playful side to your partner(s). You can thank your anxiety for all the hard work it’s doing to protect you and let it know that while role play may feel uncomfortable at first, cultivating sexual playfulness and creativity will ultimately help you grow intimacy with your partner(s) and yourself. Here are some ways to approach role play that will hopefully take some weight off your shoulders:

Real Life Roles

First, let’s talk about the roles we play in “real life”. Everyday we embody many different roles. We might be a parent, an employee, a friend, an artist, a nice person, etc. We all have many roles that we fulfill and these roles are interwoven with our identities. We can start to feel like we are our roles. Recognizing the roles in your everyday life can assist you in defining the roles you want to play in your sex life.

Many of us don’t realize we’re already role playing in our sexual lives. Your sexual role is influenced by cultural expectations, self esteem, desire, your partners’ desire, etc. Take a look at your current sexual role and define it. Are you the alluring one? The temptress? Are you dominant? Are you the passionate one? The initiator? Top? Bottom?

In a sense, most of us have been role playing this whole time. Once you realize that, it can be easier to alter your role and play with it, like a toy.

A Hat on a Hat

When it comes time to role play, make sure to take one role off before putting the other one on. Don’t put a hat on a hat. Your “real life” role can get in the way of your role play. For example, let’s say you fulfill a tough masculine role in your relationship but you want to role play as a submissive puppy to your femme fatale. Trying to fulfill both of these roles at once is a lot to keep track of, keeping you in your head and not in the moment, and these roles will contradict at times, causing confusion, freeze, and anxiety.

Put your masc role aside for a moment and try just doing the submissive puppy role by itself. You are still you but in a different role. It’s the difference between being a tough masculine person acting like a submissive puppy and just being a submissive puppy for a while. Just a sweet puppy eager to do whatever your femme fatale desires.

Acting Vs. Playing

Maybe you’re worried you won’t be a good actor. Well, I have good news for you! Role playing isn’t acting, it’s playing.

Take the performance out of role play and think of it as a continuation of childhood pretend play. Kids participating in pretend play are not acting, they’re embodying a role. They’re trying a role on for size. They’re being a dad. They are a dragon. They know kung fu and even though that isn’t a real freeze ray gun, they’ll tell you “Pew, you’re frozen and can’t move now." Bring this freedom to try on different roles with you into adulthood. It’s a game. Have fun!

It’s Okay to Laugh

Bring the freedom to be silly with you as well. Sex doesn’t have to be so serious. It’s okay to be silly. It’s okay to laugh. Laughter releases tension. As arousal builds, things tend to get a little more serious anyway. Arousal makes it easier to activate your imagination and really slip into role play. It’s a powerful elixir of heightened bodily awareness mixed with imaginative sexual creation with another person. What’s not to love!

Start Small

Don’t jump into the role play deep end right off the bat. Start slow. Talk about your fantasies with your partner and maybe introduce a prop or two before turning your guest bedroom into a medical examination room. You can practice and develop your role plays over time. You don’t need to do it just once. Try it again with some added elements or tweaks to the characters. Sex and Kink are practices, not performances or one time events. You don’t play an instrument once and expect to master it. You don’t build muscle by exercising once. Take pressure off yourself and the situation.

Warm Up

Ease in and build desire by using devices to create arousal before interacting in person. Fanfic your fantasies, write them out and send them to your playmate(s). Interact as your characters via notes, email, text, dating app, etc. before starting your in person scene. Imagine getting a text at work from your partner about your upcoming “doctor’s appointment” that evening. Get desire and creative thinking going long before your role play time. Think of it as a role play warm up.

Question: I’m not sure what I want to role play. It all seems a little cheesy. How do I come up with a role play that’s sexy and interesting?

Flip the Script

We are handed sexual scripts by our culture. They tell us what is considered sexy, who has sexual power and who doesn’t and what is considered “normal." It used to be that any sort of role play would have been considered perverted. Nowadays, Kink is a lot more accepted in popular culture but role play scenarios deemed “normal” by the status quo don’t always float everyone’s boat. You don’t have to play any tired old role plays that you’ve heard about. You can create a scene catered to you and your partner’s unique personality and sexuality.

Make Something New

Let’s create something unique. Think of a fantasy that really does it for you or think of a sexual situation in your past that was really hot. You can even think of a scene from a movie that had a really sexy dynamic that caught your attention. Hold that scenario in your mind and now let’s go deeper, under the surface. What is it that is arousing about this scenario? How do you feel when imagining yourself in this scenario? Which role do you play? What does your character want the most?

Fantasy Analysis

So, for example, I will forever and always remember the scene in Basic Instinct where Sharon Stone’s character is being interrogated by detectives.

She is so confident in her sexuality and in herself that she dominates the room, treating the whole situation like a game and the detectives are her toys. What does it for me is that the traditional power structure of sexual expression and institutional control is flipped. Seeing a femme behave in this way towards masc authority figures lights a flame in me! At times I want to be as powerful as Sharon and other times I want to be overwhelmed by a feminine force like her. She’s someone who I suspect might be a little dangerous but that is so alluring and sexually potent that I cannot resist. Ultimately, when we dig down deep enough, the core of this fantasy is about unexpected power and being controlled or manipulated through desire. Now I have something to work with!

Take the Good, Leave the Bad

This deeper analysis of fantasy opens up pathways to your personalized creative role play practice. Take the core parts of your fantasies and make new narratives that suit you and your partner(s). For instance, I have no desire to do any role plays involving the police or being a murder suspect but I can take the core dynamics from that Basic Instinct scene and make a new narrative. I can ask myself if there is a similar power dynamic that I can flip. Maybe I am a therapist (normally a position of power) and I have a client that manipulates and dominates me with her powerful femme sexuality. This can create a very nuanced and intimate dynamic, one that suits me and my partner better than cops and criminals.

Question: What if my partner and I aren’t into the same fantasies?

Thank You for Your No

Someone not being into what you’re into isn’t a rejection, it’s information. It’s normal and to be expected that you and your partner(s) fantasies don’t line up perfectly. Because consent is the foundation of healthy sexual and kinky interactions, we thank our partners when they say “No.” We do not want our partners to feel pressured to be kinky or sexual in ways they are not comfortable AND we can feel that much more confident about our partners’ “Yes!” when they do want to play with us. So, do not be discouraged by a "No." Thank your partner and use it as an opportunity for both of you to both grow.

Dig Deeper

When ideas don’t line up it’s time to dig deeper. Find the core desires and dynamics of the fantasy and then build a new narrative up from that foundation that works for you both. For example, let’s say a person has a fantasy about secretly watching their partner sunbathe naked in the woods. They approach their partner with the idea of trying it next time they’re camping. But their partner is uncomfortable with being naked in a place where they could get caught, even if the chances are slim. The idea of getting caught creates anxiety for them, which isn’t sexy. So, instead of tossing the idea in the trash, the couple digs a little deeper.

Get Curious

They start asking each other questions to find the core desires and dynamics of the fantasy. What feeling are they looking for when they imagine spying on someone? Is the idea of voyeurism exciting? Is it the idea of seeing something private? Or the fear of getting caught watching? For the person being watched, are there times that they do enjoy being watched? If they were in no danger of being caught by others would they feel more comfortable with exhibitionism? What fantasies or experiences would they like to incorporate in order to heighten their desire and pleasure?

The answers to these questions will reveal core desires that more accurately represent both people playing. So, in this example the voyeuristic partner reveals that it’s the desire to see a private naked moment that is at the core of their fantasy. Their partner really likes the idea of being watched but definitely wants to be inside their home where they will feel safe and relaxed being naked. They also add that a hot shower always helps them feel relaxed and sensual.

Rewrite the Narrative Together

So with this information the two come up with a new plan that hits everyone’s pleasure points. They have a playful evening where the voyeuristic partner watches through their bathroom window as their partner sensually showers and gets ready for the evening. This serves as the opening to their date night. Throughout dinner they’re activated with desire because of their little game, making the sex that evening all the more exciting and pleasurable.

Kink Negotiation

This method of curiously conversing about sex, desires, and fantasies is called Kink Negotiation and can be applied to any type of sex or kinky play (and most of life tbh). This type of negotiation is very different from typical business or legal negotiations where the objective is to get as much as you can. In Kink Negotiations, the objective is to create the most satisfying and pleasurable experience for everyone involved. It’s about finding the mutual path, not about compromise or pushing boundaries. The basis of all sexual and kink activities is embodied consent and the point is for everyone to have a great time.

I hope I answered a few of your questions about role play and gave you some inspiration for your next play time. If you have more questions, leave them in the comments or direct message us on Instagram and I’ll try to incorporate them in upcoming writings.

Robin Jennings (aka Mistress Mary) is a seasoned Pleasure Educator and co-host of the Fuck Yeah podcast. She’s a feminist, artist, and former Pro-Domme with a penchant for sexual liberation and free form gender expression. You can find her on IG and Tiktok @fuckyeahpod.

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