THIS ENTRY WAS POSTED ON October 18, 2022 BY MoxxxyBrown.
We happen to be in an exciting yet interesting time with the re-emergence of kink in the mainstream. Just glance at fashion runways, the billboard charts, and Netflix queues to see that kink is once again a hot button topic. We’ve seen this before with the introduction of the Fifty Shades of Gray franchise: media interest in kinky love stories translates to a whole lot of folks discovering (or even re-discovering) kink.
And while mainstream attention comes with a host of problematic elements (a few of which we’ll discuss later), I see this as a timely opportunity to explore and define kink for ourselves on our own terms. Like so much in life, kink is not a monolith—it’s a vast reality that exists on a spectrum. This means your interests and practices can pop up anywhere on this gamut, and your situation does not/most likely will not look anything like someone else’s. Just like sex isn't just about achieving orgasms and orgasm control, kink is more than what the mainstream portrays.
With cuffing season upon us, it’s not at all surprising that sexual interests on dating sites are trending towards a kinkier lifestyle. You may even come across terms and acts that seem so abstract and mystifying, and think “Who the f*** is turned on by that?” But trust me, someone's into it! Plus, we prefer to not kink-shame around here.
Are you curious about your own kinky desires, but not sure how to sort your thoughts and take the next steps? Or, are you a seasoned kinkster embarking on new endeavors and looking for a primer on the fundamentals? Whatever your case, there’s something here for you to discover. So with that, let’s go exploring!
What is Kink?
Ask any kinkster this elusive question and you’ll get different responses each time. For me, kink is a sexual mindset and practice. It is my lifestyle: how I identify and move through the world; a bastion of my own sexual freedom. Kink has given me the confidence to set boundaries, negotiate, advocate for myself, and push myself to new limits. For many, it’s an aesthetic—something in which you dress up, a feeling. It can be someone’s career and livelihood or just reserved for spicing up one's sex life.
The Ultimate Guide to Kink by Tristan Taormino
In The Ultimate Guide to Kink: BDSM, Roleplay and Erotic Edge, Tristan Taormino says that it’s an “all-encompassing term to describe the people, practices, and communities that move beyond traditional ideas about sex to explore the edges of eroticism.” She goes on to define kink as “...BDSM, kinky sex, dominance and submission, role play, sex games, fantasy, fetish and other alternative erotic expressions.”
With this defining statement, you may discover that you've been dabbling in kink without even knowing it. However, some of us may be lifestyle kinksters, having an immersed experience nearly every day, while others prefer it to remain in the bedroom, perhaps only indulging occasionally.
The most important thing you can do is decide what kink means to you. What type of play are you drawn to? Are you looking for community amongst other kinksters? Maybe you’ve enjoyed being dominant but can’t imagine ever inflicting "pleasurable" pain on someone. Or maybe you enjoy being topped by a cruel sadist but also enjoy topping from the bottom. I encourage you to find confidence in the fact that kink is a unique experience, and it doesn’t have to look like what’s portrayed in the media or what other kinksters might be doing.
Speaking of media portrayal, as I mentioned earlier, there are a host of issues with how kink is portrayed in mainstream media. There are plenty of misconceptions about kink and why someone would be into kink. Just to be clear, there is nothing wrong or foul about engaging in and practicing consensual kink. I’ve seen problematic power dynamics and a complete lack of negotiation and consent in the Fifty Shades of Gray trilogy. That relationship does not represent ethical kink; it’s actually abuse. And for some, this was unfortunately an introduction to BDSM.
Consent is Crucial
A necessity of kinky play is being able to set boundaries and negotiate before the scene, as well as the ability to withdraw consent at any point during the scene. When consent is withdrawn, usually through safe words or safe motions, that particular act should stop. This doesn’t mean, however, that the scene has to end. Perhaps you just need to move on to something else for a while. Or you can have a safe word that will end the scene altogether. There are many ways to go about it. Often, I like to employ the stoplight safe word system—words to indicate when the scene needs to slow down, when it needs to stop and when it can proceed again.
I've heard some folks admit they don't play with safe words if they've built a trust with their partner(s) or have been with their play partners for a while. However, I advocate for safe word usage universally. Meaning, even if you feel completely safe with whoever you’re playing with, anything could happen that you’ve yet to consider. There should always be a way to advocate for your physical and emotional well-being, and to avoid the potential of serious injury. It’s like insurance. You may not even need to use it, but you’ll always have it just in case. Safe words can even be used for non-kinky play because we’ve all been there: your jaw is tired from oral, your joints are aching from a new position, or something just doesn’t feel right.
Consent is vital to know what’s out there, what you want and how to safely execute your desires. What are you excited by? What don’t you like? A good way to sort through these thoughts and find your style is the Yes/No/Maybe List. Here at the Pleasure Chest, we have one that provides several sex acts from vanilla to kinky, so you can start to consider more elements of play. You can even add your own, as I’ve yet to see an exhaustive list that covers everything. Because when it comes to kink there can always be new ways to play.
The BDSM Test
You might also consider checking out the ubiquitous BDSM Test. If you’ve hung out on any BDSM dating sites, you’ve seen the results of this test on some folks’ profiles. What I appreciate about this questionnaire is that it is quite expansive, so you really have to dedicate time and focus to it. You can also take it anonymously, so if you’re worried about privacy, you needn’t fork over any personal information to complete the test.
Where you need to be careful with the BDSM test is that, like any questionnaire, you can bend your responses to fit many different narratives. Try to be as honest as possible, and if you don’t know, there’s an option for that too! I find that each time I take it, something changes from the time before. I’ve taken the test several times to understand where I am in my kinky journey. Throughout life our needs and desires change, so taking inventory regularly aids in self-awareness and kinky mindfulness. If you set a habit to check in with yourself, this practice will aid you in growing your sexual intelligence, so that you can play with others in an informed manner.
The test also gets you looking at sexual acts as power exchange. Are you serving, or being served? Do you prefer one over the other for certain acts? Or are you more flexible depending on the circumstance? Do you strive to be the one that’s only being served, or do you prefer to exclusively grovel and worship? Knowing these things before engaging in play promotes safety and can reduce potential risk.
Start with What You Have
Now that we’ve established ways to find your kinky style, let’s talk shop! Or rather, not-shop… The neat thing about kinky play is that you can get creative and use virtually anything! Look around your home; you’re probably sitting on a gold mine of pervertables. These are items like scarves and robe ties that can be used to bind body parts to begin your solo BDSM journey. Or wooden spoons and rulers to smack up a booty. What have you got and what can you do with it?
All I ask is that you go about this as safely as possible: know what’s risky and/or unsanitary. You might not want to serve tonight’s chili with the big spoon that was recently in contact with a butt. You might even consider getting a body safe cleaner like Swiss Navy Wipes or NYTC Foaming Toy Cleaner to quickly sanitize your tools.
My earliest kinky sex exploration started with a soft, silk scarf I usually wore in my hair. I’d tie up my ankles just to see how it felt or take it with me to tie my partner’s wrists to the bed frame. Simple, yet so effective! I’d also explore with ice and candle wax, not knowing I was a temperature play enthusiast. I challenge you to get creative with what you have before making any purchases. You might be surprised what most people have in their homes that can turn a mundane moment into a session full of sexuality and desire. A person simply using household objects and their own hands, maybe a time limit, and some imagination... There's no telling all the different kinds of intense experiences you can have.
On To the Fun Part
Ok, now let’s really talk shop! Part of my kinky process is researching and then heading to the sex shop to pick my poison. It is so meditative and exciting all at once! I encourage safe, solo exploration of the tools you hope you use with someone else. What’s sexier than the confidence of really knowing what you’re doing?
There are many great books out there that can jump start your exploration and give you ideas. One of which is 101 Kinky Things Even You Can Do by Kate Sloan (currently in stores only). Each “chapter” explains different acts you can explore like sensation play, edging, and bondage to name a few. I appreciate how each section explains what the act is and then gives you suggestions on how to safely indulge.
One of the first kinky items I purchased for myself was a flogger. This spanking tool comes in many different styles and colors, and I just loved picking out one that I could not only use but display on my bedroom wall. As someone who enjoys both spanking and being spanked, I was able to practice my skills by striking a cushion.
Sportsheets Saffron Flogger
The Sportsheets Saffron Flogger is a great foray into impact play. Cost effective and stylish, it can be used to explore on your own by slapping your legs, thighs and cheeks while you masturbate.
Sportsheets Saffron Acrylic Spanker
Or try a paddle! I like the Sportsheets Saffron Acrylic Spanker because it’s the perfect stingy slap. It also stores easily, so if you’re not like me and would prefer to not have kinky impact play home decor, this tucks into a drawer just fine.
Maybe you’re curious about the captivating world of rope bondage. Considered both an art and meditative practice, rope tying is a learned skill. One must practice becoming comfortable with the loops and knots of it all.
Self Bondage - Kink Bind & Tie Initiation Kit 5 Piece Hemp Rope
Why not try practicing solo bondage on yourself with a rope kit from Doc Johnson? It has everything you need to get started on growing your rope literacy.
The Seductive Art of Japanese Bondage by Midori
Looking for a great rope book that dives deeper into the history and art of rope bondage? Check out Midori’s Seductive Art of Japanese Bondage. This has beautiful photographs and detailed directions for many tying techniques and poses. I find that a lot of the ties and knots are for more advanced rope enthusiasts, but the information and pictures alone are enough to give you some really great ideas for when you’re playing with others.
I would be remiss if I didn’t mention wearables like collars and nipple clamps. Like floggers, these come in so many different styles that you’re bound to find some that fit your style perfectly! Nipple clamps and collars can be worn during masturbation to heighten your solo BDSM sensations.
Solo Bondage - Leather Collar with O-Ring
Have you ever fantasized about having someone's hands wrapped around your neck? Or being collared and what that feels like? You can certainly try it out on your own with the Leather Collar with O-Ring!
Broad Tip Adjustable Nipple Clamps
If you enjoy nipple play, clamps are a must! These Broad Tip Adjustable Clamps are a mainstay in my bedside table for when the mood strikes.
Finally, if you’re curious about heat and candles, I suggest starting with a soy or oil-based massage candle.
Pleasure Chest Massage Candles
Since wax candles burn quite hot, massage candles are a gentler option. While they don’t create the same waxy art on your skin, they give you a nice taste of heat. The oil can then be massaged into your skin, which is so sensual. (Seriously, if you’re not in the habit of giving yourself a sensual rub down, caressing your skin, etc. you’re missing out!)
Written by MoxxxyBrown.
MoxxxyBrown (she/they) is a pleasure-focused sex educator and visual artist based in Chicago. Her work combines kink, abstraction and obscurity as a method of decolonizing beauty and gender standards. You can find her work and musings on IG @portals4mortals.