THIS ENTRY WAS POSTED ON February 15, 2024 BY Robin Jennings.
What music (if any) do you like to listen to or play during a session/scene?
In my heyday when I was Domming full time, I had one album that I would listen to in nearly every session. Now keep in mind this was in the olden times (2000-2010). We had CD players in the rooms at that time. I didn’t even have a cell phone when I started out. Most of my sessions were one hour long and my favorite CD to play was Portishead’s album, Dummy. It is 59 minutes and has a very consistent sexy mood throughout. I was so familiar with the album that I could tell where I was in the hour intuitively, making the flow of my sessions very well timed. So, if you like moody, 90s trip hop that lasts for almost exactly an hour, you can check it out here on Spotify.
These days, however, the way I play is very different and the music I’m bringing to session is very different as well. In addition to having easy access to millions of songs and playlists on streaming services, I’m also not playing in a professional capacity, with time restrictions and multiple sessions a day. I play less often now, but when I do play it’s for longer periods and I usually have lots of time to prep. I view creating a playlist as a type of foreplay. Whether you’re shopping for outfits, make up or toys, prepping your rope, or you’re making a playlist; all of these things are foreplay. You’re putting energy into creating an erotic moment. That’s a magical thing to do, so take notice and enjoy these preparations.
When making your kinky playlist, take a few things into consideration. How long will you be playing? Do you want to give yourself audio cues as time checks or reminders? What kind of mood are you setting? Do you want the mood to change as the scene progresses? Your playlist can make a scene flow more organically and help participants relax and attune to the vibe of the playtime you’re orchestrating.
I like my playlists to build over time with a crescendo towards the end, followed by a cool down. This follows the operatic structure, a narrative that builds in intensity until the finale, just like the flow of orgasm, or the flow of a kink scene. Structure your playlist around the drama of your scene. Drop in certain songs that will cue you to begin intensifying your play or that lets you know how much time is passed. This will aid the flow of your play and guide your narrative. Add songs with more intensity towards the end as your scene peaks. And, don’t forget some cool down and aftercare songs at the end. Playlists are a somatic way to plan sessions without scripting them. Think of it as the soundtrack to your playtime.
What’s the most useful toy in your arsenal?
My favorite and most used toy as a Dominant is definitely the crop. Some might find bondage cuffs or rope more useful but for me a good crop is more than just a stingy impact toy. It’s also a prop that commands attention, a useful tool to assert my dominance with. I love walking around a bound submissive, flexing the crop between my hands as I tell them my sinister plans. A crop can be used for swift justice, a sharp sting, to put an exclamation point at the end of my sentence. Crops make a wonderful whooshing sound when they slice through the air. It’s startling and gets the point across. I also love a crop for pointing things out. “Come here.” (points with crop). “Lick this clean.” (points to shoe with crop). “Who said you could bring this in here?!” (smacks erection with crop). I also love twirling a crop when I’m walking around giving me something to kind of fidget with. Call it Dom stemming, if you will. Even if it doesn't provide your favorite kind of impact sensation, a crop is a strong visual symbol that demands your sub’s attention!
Now, I don’t recommend crops to everyone; they’re not everyone’s vibe. Nearly universally loved and incredibly useful, however, is the blindfold. Every kinky kit should have a blindfold. It’s an essential at any level of play and blindfolds are especially great if you are new to Domming. A blindfold is a Baby Dom's best friend. Blindfold your submissive and they will be waiting with bated breath, anticipating your every move, and listening to every little thing that you do, without ever knowing that you are fumbling with the rope, trying to figure out how to turn on the Bluetooth MP3 player, or fighting with the new harness. A blindfold creates anticipation for the wearer and heightens their sensation. For the person orchestrating the session, a blindfold offers respite from the eager, sometimes judgmental eyes of your submissive. This allows you to relax a little bit more into your role and practice your craft without worrying about losing dominance.
What advice would you give to couples looking to explore kink?
Kink is an excellent way for couples to bond deeply, and create a sex life that’s intimate, playful, and engaging. Fundamentally, kink is about consent and authenticity melding together in a sexy, creative way. This is a wonderful thing when all participants can show up as their most unique, weird selves while also respecting and honoring the unique weirdness of their partners.
Before delving too deeply into this subject, I’d like to give one quick caveat: not every relationship is built for this kind of play. Kink can reveal a lot about yourself and your partner that your relationship may or may not be ready for. If you’re wanting to bring kink into your relationship, you both have to be prepared to listen with an open mind. You may hear things that you didn’t expect from your partner. They might share an interest in something you’ve never even heard of. You’ll both need to hold space for your partner’s ideas and fantasies, some of which might not appeal to you or may even be shocking. It’s important that you both come to the conversation with the understanding that someone revealing their fantasies or interests does not mean that they intend to act on them or expect you to fulfill them. It’s wise to speak with your partner about how open you both are to revealing, hearing about, and possibly exploring hidden fantasies.
When you’re ready, start by looking inward and noticing things about yourself that are outside of the culture-approved scripts of what sex “should” look like. Do you wish you could show your devotion with over-the-top acts of service and gifts? Do you have fantasies that teeter on the edge of indecency, or that go all the way over the line? Do you always notice when a woman is wearing open toed shoes? Do you get excited when Griselda humbles every man in Miami? When you start paying attention, you may find desires and interests that you didn’t know were there. Once you can identify your erotic or kinky desires, you can then communicate them to others.
This kind of exploration may reveal shadow sides of yourself that you don't want to look directly at, or expose parts of you that need your healing attention. Notice which fantasies are deep desires within you and which might be oppressive narratives that don’t serve you. For example, are you interested in trying choking because of the power dynamic or sensation? Or is it that you’ve seen it so many times in porn that it’s just become a sexualized thing for you? Are some of your fantasies reenactments of abuse you’ve suffered in the past? Will acting out this fantasy cause you to re-experience trauma, or will you be taking power back from a bad experience through your kink play? Kink can sometimes open old wounds, but it can also be a powerful somatic way to heal old wounds. Look inwards and witness your inner erotic world without judgment. With the knowledge you gather, you can then choose to explore and expand on certain ideas in your play time that will benefit you and your partner.
After you have both taken inventory of your kinky desires, it’s time for you and your partner to sit down and do a “Yes, No, Maybe" list. Both of you go through the list on your own and put all of the types of kinky play into the Yes, No, or Maybe categories. When you’re done, get together with your partner and review your lists. Get specific about why something is a "yes," "no," or "maybe" and make notes. You may find that there are things that you both have in common that you had no idea about. Investigate deeper into these types of play. For example, if your partner wrote that spanking is in the “yes” category, ask them what they like about spanking. Are you the one that likes to be spanked? Or do you like to spank other people? Is role-play part of spanking for you? Or do you just like the sensation and you don’t want to do any kind of narrative? Do you like spanking as a precursor to sexual play? How hard do you like to be spanked? Do you want to try paddles too or keep it to just the hand? Now you’re in an in depth conversation about kinky activities.
Apply this method to the activities in your “no” and “maybe” lists as well. Knowing what your partner is NOT into is just as important as knowing what they are into. There’s no need to harp on a topic that is a hard “no,” but sometimes we put things in these categories because we don’t fully understand the dynamics involved and talking about it might reveal something exciting for you both. This conversation will help the two of you to suss out where you're compatible, where you certainly do not want to go, and areas that you might want to explore together that you’re a little unsure about.
What you’ve just done is called kink negotiation. This is how all kink play starts. Whether you’re in a committed long-term relationship or you just met a client at the dungeon, you start with negotiation. Kink negotiating is not like negotiating in business, where you’re trying to get as much as you can from the other person. Kink negotiation is fun! It’s about sharing and then working together to mesh your fantasies, turn-ons, and boundaries into a new, kinky, erotic situation.
A key thing to remember, whenever you're negotiating or discussing your kinks and boundaries with a play partner is that a “No.” is not personal. Let me say that again more loudly for the people in the back. THEIR “NO” IS NOT ABOUT YOU. YOU ARE NOT BEING REJECTED. IT IS NOT PERSONAL. In fact, when you hear a boundary or a “no” from your partner I want you to do something radical. Thank your partner when they tell you “no.” For example, if you are excited to get into spanking, and your partner says that they are not into that, that is not rejection. That is them trusting you enough to tell you their truth, even though you might be disappointed. So, thank them for trusting you with their truth. Now when they say “yes,” you can trust that it is a solid, enthusiastic “yes.” This is getting into real consent; the kind of consent that can create deep intimacy.
So, let’s say you are really into spanking and your partner says they’re not into that. What do you do? Well, after thanking them for their honesty, you can ask if they are willing to dive deeper into the topic. If they’re open to it, ask your partner what it is that they don’t like about spanking. You might be surprised by what they say. It may be that the two of you have very different ideas about what spanking even is. They might be imagining something to do with punishment or pain while you’re over here imagining something to do with sensuality and pleasure. Gather information about them and be curious about their likes and dislikes without attaching it to your personal desires. If their response shows compatibility with your desires, share with them why you’re interested in spanking. Tell them what kind of spanking appeals to you, what your fantasies are, and what you’ve been imagining could happen between the two of you. Give them information about you without expecting or implying that they are responsible for fulfilling your fantasies. Now you’ve gathered a lot of information from both people and you’ve gotten more intimate with your partner because you’ve been willing to be vulnerable and tell them how you actually feel even if it does not line up with their fantasies. This is the foundation of consent and authenticity.
In kink, we want to play with people that truly want to play with us. We don’t want to coerce or manipulate or pressure anyone to do something they don’t want to do, especially in an erotic situation. And, now that you’ve gathered all this information about your kinky compatibility as a couple, it's highly likely that there is some crossover between the two of you. Maybe it turns out that the physical part of a spanking is where the two of you are misaligning. That’s okay. In the process you found that you’re both interested in the punishment part of a spanking. Maybe now the two of you can come up with a way that you can play together around this concept that is fulfilling for both of you. It isn’t what you had hoped to play with your partner, but it is a new thing that you had not anticipated. You made something unexpected together that is still very fulfilling and you’ve grown the intimacy and trust between the two of you. Congratulations!! You’re now kinky and better for it!
Love,
Mistress Mary
Robin Jennings (aka Mistress Mary) is a seasoned Pleasure Educator and co-host of the Fuck Yeah podcast. She’s a feminist, artist, and former Pro-Domme with a penchant for sexual liberation and free form gender expression. You can find her on IG and Tiktok @fuckyeahpod.
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