THIS ENTRY WAS POSTED ON December 12, 2023 BY Jamie Joy.
What does BDSM stand for?
Before we get into the fun, let’s first discuss some important vocabulary and language that all incoming or beginner kinksters should know. B-D-S-M is a multipart acronym that breaks down as follows:
B = Bondage: the practice of restraining another, can be physical and/or psychological
D = Discipline: the practice of obeying or punishing
D = Dominance: taking power
S = Submission: giving power
S = Sadism: pleasure from inflicting pain
M = Masochism: pleasure from receiving pain
BDSM is not the only vocabulary that is important to learn and understand as a member of the kink community. Here is a list of additional terms to familiarize yourself with so you have a shared language with others.
Top - the person performing an activity. Not the same as the Dominant.
Bottom - the person receiving an activity. Not the same as the Submissive.
Power Exchange - the consensual giving and taking of power within a negotiated dynamic
Scene - the container in which a negotiated dynamic or play can happen with a clear beginning and end
Subspace - the experience of fully surrendering during a scene and dropping into a physical, emotional, and/or psychological state that can often feel like an altered headspace
Switch - a person who enjoys playing in both Dominant and Submissive roles
Safeword - a codeword or signal used during a scene to communicate a boundary or need
Aftercare - the intentional post-scene practice of caring for all people involved in order to feel safe, comfortable, and reassured
Hard Limit - a boundary that is not okay to cross
Fetish - eroticization of an object or activity that is not inherently sexual in nature (for example: boot fetish or foot fetish)
Vanilla - the term used to describe anything that is not kinky
And there we have it! Your go-to glossary of BDSM terms at your fingertips. Feeling ready to dive in? Not so fast. Next, let’s explore some kinky personas so you can find your unique style.
Finding Your Kinky Persona
Within BDSM, there are dozens of roles, characters, and types beyond just Dominant, Submissive, and Switch. As you develop your kinks and fetishes, you might find yourself gravitating towards a particular name or label. Check out this list of personas and explore which one resonates the most with who you want to embody during your play:
Mommy
Daddy
Little (boy, girl, etc)
Service Top
Power Bottom
Pain Slut
Brat
Rope Top
Rope Bunny
Exhibitionist
Voyeur
Plaything / Fuck toy
Primal
Pet (pup, kitten, pony, etc)
Owner
Master
Mistress
Princess / Prince
Doctor
Teacher
And so much more!
Each persona can be unique to you. When taking on a certain kink persona, it is important to reflect on why you want to embody this role and what type of energy you want to bring to your role. For example, there are many types of Daddies and Mommies in the world. Are you a mean Daddy or Mommy who is strict and likes to punish? Or are you a nice Daddy or Mommy who is nurturing and likes to praise and reward?
Another important note on personas - you can mix and match your roles based on how you are feeling, who you are playing with, and what your desires are for a specific scene or dynamic! A kinky persona should not limit or restrict you from accessing your deep down fantasies. Your persona is here to help bring your fantasies to life.
Time to Negotiate!
You are probably feeling eager and ready to start your scene. We are so close! The most important step before starting to play is negotiation. Without consent, kink & BDSM would not exist. Not sure where to start? No worries! I’m going to share my negotiation template that I created to help you cover all your bases.
There are four questions / conversations essential to a thorough negotiation.
1. How are you feeling? How do you want to feel during our scene?
This question helps us attune to the person or people we are about to play with. It is helpful to know if someone is tired, excited, hungry, nervous, etc. The second part to the question gives us information on the goal feelings for the scene. Does someone want to feel powerful, used, worshiped, naughty, etc? There are dozens of feelings that can come up during a scene so let’s figure out which ones we are aiming to experience.
2. What are your boundaries and hard limits? Is there anything I should know before we play?
Creating boundaries and hard limits is necessary in order for the scene to have structure. Beyond discussing what people do and do not want to do, I also encourage people to share anything else that could be relevant to the scene such as health, history, experience, or trauma.
3. What is our safeword or non-verbal cue to check in during the scene? What does it look like when we are enjoying ourselves or not?
Communication during the scene is vital to making sure everyone is feeling good. I recommend using a traffic light system for a safeword - “Green” means keep going, “Yellow” means pause, and “Red” means stop. But what do we do in a situation where someone is unable to speak during a scene? Having a non-verbal cue will be needed in this case. You can utilize a double tap to indicate “stop” or give the bottom an object to hold and ask them to drop it when they need attention.
4. What is our aftercare plan for everyone involved?
Discussing and planning aftercare before the scene begins will ensure that everyone is prepared once the scene ends! Aftercare can look different for each person so read through to the end for a thorough list of aftercare activities. And remember, aftercare is not just for the bottom! Tops need aftercare as well.
Impact Play
Now that you know the vocab and language, found your kinky persona(s), and negotiated your scene, let’s have some fun! This section is going to cover everything you need to know to begin exploring Impact Play. We will discuss spanking, flogging, paddling, and caning so warm up those hands and get ready to hit them where it hurts!
Impact Play is the practice of hitting another person or people for gratification. There are many reasons why people enjoy hitting or being hit - catharsis, enjoyment of pain, feeling powerful, sending erotic vibrations through the body, and so much more!
In order to safely hit someone, let’s go over which parts of the body are great for impact and which are not. The best areas for impact are fleshy - the butt, thighs, chest. You can also hit the top of the back by the shoulder blades. The areas of the body that should not be hit are the stomach, knees, lower back, spine, neck, shins, calves, fingers, and toes. We avoid these parts because of bones and organs that are likely to break or get injured.
Spanking
Your first impact tool right at your fingertips is your hand! Spanking is best when your fingers are closed so there is no air escaping between them and your hand is slightly cupped. This motion helps deliver the best sensation without hurting your own hand in the process.
Impact play should typically start with warming up the part of the body that you plan to hit. You can do this by rubbing, caressing, squeezing, kissing, etc. Bringing blood flow to the area that is going to get hit will heighten the bottom’s sensation and pain threshold.
Once the body is warmed up, I encourage people to start spanking with low intensity and high frequency hits - light and fast spanks. As the impact top, you can watch how your bottom responds and gauge how it feels by asking them to rate the hit on a scale from one to ten. At this point, you can begin building up with higher intensity and lower frequency spanks - harder and slower. When you deliver a heavy spank, remember to rub the spot afterwards and take pauses for the bottom to breathe. Spanking will cause the skin to turn red and become hot. If you are the top, notice when these changes begin to happen and check in with the bottom to see if they want to keep going.
Floggers
Flogging is a form of impact that uses a flogger to hit the body. Floggers come in many styles, materials, lengths, etc. If the flogger has thicker tendrils, it will feel more thuddy; if the flogger has thinner tendrils, it will feel more stingy.
Check out these beginner floggers to get started:
 Scandal BDSM Flogger |
 Lite-Line Suede Flogger |
 Saffron Faux Fur Flogger |
There are a few different flogging techniques, but ultimately it all comes down to the wrist. You can flog someone in a figure eight method, an overhand hit, or a side strike. The figure eight is great for rhythmic flogging, the overhand is best for a harder hit, and the side strike works well when trying to hit both butt cheeks at once. The easiest parts of the body to begin flogging are the butt and upper back.
Paddles
Paddling can often hurt more than using a flogger and works great for thigh and chest impact play. The intensity of the paddle depends on the flexibility or rigidity of the toy. A paddle with more give is going to hurt less than a paddle with no bend.
 Sex & Mischief Amor Paddle |
 Saffron Acrylic Paddle |
 Leather Slapper |
When using a paddle, practice the similar spanking method mentioned above - low intensity, high frequency hits (light and fast) then working up to higher intensity, lower frequency hits (hard and slow). As the top, try forcing your bottom to lick or kiss the paddle before you hit them with it to increase the power exchange.
Canes & Crops
Last on the list of impact implements are canes and crops! These are the harder hitting toys of the bunch since they are thinner. When it comes to impact play, the less surface area on the toy, the harder punch it packs since all of the force is coming through a smaller area.
If you feel ready to wield a cane or crop, try these options:
 Rattan Cane |
 Edge Hard Limits Crop |
 Tail Tip Crop |
Since canes and crops are thinner, they are great for those hard to reach crevices like the inner thighs, hands, feet, nipples, etc. But beware! They can leave serious red slashes on the skin so check in beforehand to make sure that marks are okay with the bottom.
Bondage & Restraints
Why do people enjoy being bound and restrained? One reason is that removing one sense will heighten the others. Another reason is that it makes it easier for someone to give up or take control in the scene. Whatever your reason for wanting to play with bondage and restraints, we’ve got you covered on the basics.
Rope
Rope is a great tool for tying someone up if you feel comfortable learning how to use it. A simple rope tie is great around the wrists or ankles and not hard to grasp. When using rope, it is vital to understand the risks involved. If rope is too tight, it could cause nerve damage! So make sure when you are using rope, you can fit 1-2 fingers between the rope and skin at all times. If you are rope bottoming, it is your responsibility to be mindful of your own body and any potential sensations of tingling or numbness. In order to maintain blood flow and circulation, you can wiggle the part of your body that is tied up and periodically move to help avoid nerve damage. And don’t forget to keep a pair of safety shears nearby just in case you need to cut someone out of the rope quickly!
Here are three beginner styles of rope to get you started:
 Japanese Style Bondage Rope |
 Nylon Rope |
 Unicorn Rainbow Bondage Rope |
Bondage Tape
Looking for a quicker and easier restraint? Try bondage tape! All you have to do is wrap it tightly around the parts of the body you want to restrain, and it sticks to itself. You can use it as a blindfold, gag, or hood as well. Bondage tape is super versatile and great for beginners.
Grab a roll of tape here!
Bondage Cuffs
Cuffs are my favorite form of restraint because they are simple to use, but can expand into more advanced forms of bondage. Most cuffs come equipped with rings that can easily attach to each other or other toys (think: spreader bar or collar). You can restrain someone to a chair, bedpost, or piece of furniture by wrapping the cuff around the wrist or ankle as well as around the leg/arm/post of furniture and securing it tightly closed. Make sure to check that the cuffs are not too tight or too loose, and then enjoy!
There are so many different colors and styles of cuffs. Check out a few options here:
 Cumfy Cuffs |
 Scandal Universal Cuffs |
 Saffron Spreader Bar & Cuff Set |
Sensation Play
Finally, let’s discuss the wonders of sensation play! Sensation play is a broad umbrella term that includes massage, sharp, fuzzy/soft, temperature, tickle, bite, scratch, and so much more! There are many toys that can be used for bringing these sensations to life such as pinwheels, feathers, wax play candles, etc.
If you are planning to explore sharp sensation play, remember to start lightly and slowly increase intensity in order to gauge the response from the bottom. Sharp sensations like scratching, biting, and pinwheels can possibly break skin and leave marks, which should be negotiated before the scene begins.
Try the pinwheel and see for yourself why we’re obsessed.
Temperature play is the practice of using heat or cold for pleasure and/or pain. You can play with ice cubes, drink warm liquids before going down on someone, run glass or steel toys under hot or cold water before insertion, and so much more. My favorite temperature play activity is dripping wax. If you are going to explore wax play, make sure you are using a proper candle that burns at a safe temperature for the skin. When dripping wax, start farther away from the body so that the wax has time to cool before hitting the skin. If the bottom can handle more, then you can slowly drip closer to increase the heat. For easier wax removal, rub massage oil onto the skin beforehand to create a barrier. Or if you prefer to avoid the wax altogether, use a candle that burns directly into massage oil for a more sensual scene.
There are endless possibilities when it comes to Sensation Play so find what feels good, lay back, and enjoy the experience!
 Japanese Drip Candles |
 Pleasure Chest Massage Candle |
 LaCire Torso Form Drip Candle |
Aftercare
Now that the scene is over, it is time for aftercare. Here is a list of aftercare activities you can choose from to help you come down from your experience and ensure that everyone involved feels safe, comfortable, and reassured:
Cuddle, Eat Snacks, Hydrate, Read, Watch Movies or TV, Take a Walk, Shower or Bathe, Sleep, Cry, Debrief, Listen to Music, Journal, Affirmations, etc.
Along with these aftercare activities, remember to take care of your body! If you have bruises, try arnica or a salve. If you are stiff from bondage, massage the body for circulation and use a heating pad to soothe the muscles. For any temperature play burns, use an icepack and aloe to relieve pain. Whenever you break skin, wash the area with antibacterial soap and water.
Go Get Kinky!
Great work! You have made it to the end, so let’s summarize everything we have learned:
Understand the basic vocabulary in order to have a shared language with others; find your kinky persona(s) and reflect on why you want to embody that role during kink; negotiate before the scene how you want to feel, boundaries & hard limits, safewords and signals, as well as aftercare; focus your impact play on fleshy parts of the body and start with low and fast hits working up to harder and slower strikes; bondage and restraints heighten other sensations, but be careful with how tight the rope, tape, or cuffs is against the body; sensation play encompasses a wide variety of activities from soft to sharp to hot so explore what feels good; aftercare is necessary for everyone involved to feel safe, comfortable, and reassured.
Jamie Joy believes that when you take power and trust and connect them together, you open up a pathway to your own healing. And with that, go out there and get kinky!
If you want to learn more, check out some of our books on Kink & BDSM:
 The New Bottoming Book |
 When Someone You Love is Kinky |
 The New Topping Book |
Jamie Joy (they/them) is a queer trans Jewish sex educator and hungry slut for freaky fantasies and kinky perversions. Their life and work is committed to spreading joy, pleasure, and consent through community organizing. As a triple fire sign Sagittarius, Jamie Joy is passionate about dancing while eating, playing sadistically with flaming floggers, and teaching people about the wonders of anal fisting. They are always excited to connect with new friends; you can find them on Instagram @badjewboy or email them at jamiejoyeducation@gmail.com.